SCARED & NERVOUS.

Tired from thinking about IVP everyday.

Seriously, it's taking a toll on me.

Physically and mentally.

The negativity is still there.

As hard as I try to push it away, it's still there.

"I'm not good enough"

"You're just there to fill the space"

"What the hell am I even doing here?"

It's all kind of rubbish.

Every second that thoughts will enter my head.

And every single time, I'll just try to remember what Syazwan said during the debrief.

"I believe in you guys"

"You guys are here, not because we want to fill the space, but because you have the potential"

"You deserve to be here, on the team"

Our President have a lot of wisdom words. I like.

Keeps me from losing my mind due to low self-confidence.

Sometimes, I do feel like I'm the odd one out in the team, like it's just not right that I'm there when everyone else is just so much better than I am.

I said it before, I have the most awkward body ever.

I feel weird doing everything, even my pasang kuda I will still feel weird when I've supposedly done it almost everyday.

Personal problems and insecurities doesn't help too.

Exactly the reason why I cried yesterday night.

It was the first time my eyes became swollen up like that.

And it was still swollen when I woke up.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

I want to tell someone, but again, my insecurities start acting up and I told myself that no one would care.

Clearly my family doesn't believe that I'm any good for the competition and that I should just give up cause I can't fight.

My friends have enough problems for me to load in any more.

But you know, I just want to talk to my family about these type of things.

And they're not interested at all, it seems.

I seriously lack of love in my life.