Insecurities & Stupidity.

But don't know to who, so I'm blogging it out instead.

I've been feeling this a long time already.

But recently, something triggered it.

And I can't seem to forget it.

Because it came from a friend.

And everything hurts more if it comes from a friend.

I've been really insecure about myself ever since the term starts.

Not about how I look. I've learn to accept that a long time ago.

It's about my brains.

Sometimes I just wish I don't have to go to school because I feel so stupid.

I feel like people are just looking at me and thinking about how stupid I am.

I keep imagining stuff and hearing voices in my head.

Am I misinterpreting it? Or is it really true?

I just feel like everyone's looking down on me.

Like I'm a piece of useless shit.

Who can't speak for herself.

Who can't seem to understand the simplest of things.

You know that feeling you get when you asked a lot of questions to someone and yet you still don't get it?

I get that every single day in every lesson.

The look from teachers. The look from friends.

The way they talk to me. It kinda hurts you know.

Like they're pissed at how stupid I am.

I can't seem to differentiate whether I'm dreaming it or if it's really real.

And it's making me crazy.

And insecurities lead to sensitivity.

Everyday I just want to cry. So far, I'm able to control myself.

But really. I feel like I shouldn't be doing group projects because I'm such a let-down.

I feel like I'm bringing down the whole team.

I feel like whoever's in my group will just have a harder time.

You know that kid that people always complain about in group work?

I feel like that kid.

Like I'm not doing anything, not contributing anything to the workload.

Not because I don't want to.

Because I am just that stupid that I can't seem to think, that I just can't seem to understand anything. It's like my brain is just some empty space that can't seem to process anything that anyone says or write.

So I'm really sorry if I've let you down, annoy you with my stupidity.

I can't seem to say it out loud to people.

Been hiding it with a smile.

I feel like giving up.

I really do.

But for now, I really just hope that I'll be able to stay strong.

And that God can help me through this.

Because I know that He's the only one that really love me for who I am, and He won't judge me.

He doesn't care whether I'm smart or not.

I feel so ashamed for asking God for help, when I have been neglecting Him.

I don't deserve His love, I know that.

But if it weren't for Him, I would have given up a long time ago.

I'd probably not be here anymore in fact.