A simple Life

Hello 2012

2011-12-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

So..as I usually do this every year..HELLO 2012!

First blog post to kick things off.

I'm gonna stay faithful to this already dead website called Blogger.

Do people even blog here anymore?

K anyways, I've been reading my whole year's blog entries, and I must say I love it! Was beaming throughout it. But I'm gonna try to reduce the sad entries. Last year PMS-es were really horrible. Hopefully, I'll gain better control of myself this year.

Still getting used to the 'this year, last year' thing. It's just been a day..adjustments are necessary.

Erm, so yeah. I don't really believe in resolutions, but I guess it's good to have them, just to have an aim of what you're gonna do in your life. So here's mine:

-To be a better Muslim. stop skipping prayers. and have better iman.

-Earn some moolahs and save up during internship.

-Go to freaking London by the end of the year.

-I hope for this every year: To see Jonas, or Miley

-And adding to that, One Direction and Coldplay

-Make things work

-To be happy

-To stop talking bad of people. Benefit of the Doubt.

To just be a better person basically.

The new year just means a year closer to death, to Kiamat. So why are we, instead of moving closer to God, slowly fading away? It's time to wake up people. The world's not gonna be here forever. I'm not saying that because it's 2012 and stuff. I really mean it, each day passing is a day to our non-existence. You gotta think that life can't just end just like that, and there's an Afterlife we have to work on as well. So stop taking life so seriously, work hard yeah, but don't be so greedy and openly share your knowledge. This is something I have to keep in mind myself.

Ask yourself: Are you ready?

Goodbye 2011:)

2011-12-31T03:51:00.000-08:00

2011 had indeed passed us by like a jetplane dashing through the sky.

I'm thankful that my year had been super great. I'm at the happiest I can be, Alhamdulillah for that. Now, I can only look back and smile at all I have done with the help of the Almighty.

I start out the year, in Year 1 Sem 2 rushing through final assessments and common tests trying to finish up my first year:

I had a BCOMM Oral presentation, which might I say, I did well seeing how I'm bad at it. The important thing was that I was proud of how I've performed.
Then I had the Jumpstart Challenge. It was indeed a fun challenge, rushing through time and cracking our brains but again, I was proud of our end result.

Then for Silat, we had an STA friendly. It was the first time fighting outside the school venue, first time really fighting someone:

And even though I lost the match, I was proud of myself for giving my all. That became my motivation to work harder.
Then we had the in-camp training. To be honest, I was scared shitless for the camp. But I was glad that I survived it, even though half the time I felt like puking and was pissed at my poor performance. But I gained more confidence through it.
And finally, the IVP. First competition. First fight with a stranger. First sport that I've ever done. First competition going in solo. First junior to fight first. I WAS FREAKING OUT. I remembered the whole week, my mind was just full of kicks and punches. But my nerves got the best of me, and I panicked. It was an easy fight, but I lost. I was not satisfied with my performance and my mentality at that moment, and it affected me a lot throughout the year.

Then I attended Hanis and Nadiah's Ali Baba musical. The first time seeing them perform, and they were amazing.

Then the next big event of my life: 30 HOUR FAMINE CAMP

I joined as a Game Warrior. Best experience ever. It has its downlows, but let us just look at the good times. The game, to see all these participants, the new friends I made, the crack-ups we had. It was awesome.

The biggest event that happened in 2011, is obviously: YEP Cambodia

I volunteered to be the t-shirt designer. It didn't go well, and I'm not that proud of the end product, but I love the shirt. From the first meeting, to the bonding camp, to the real thing, to the barbeque after that, it was truly an awesome period of mine. I met so many nice people, and made so many friends. Radeth, Markos(hehe!), Anna, Liyana, the three musketeers Din, Sebastian and ZiFeng and Wen Yue and my phnompenh team. SO many good memories! I can go on and on about this life-changing trip, and I will never get bored of it. But too bad people would. I saw my results there, and I received my first A ever in poly, and got a hug from my FMGT teacher, which was great.

AND THEN: HARRY POTTER PART 2 PREMIERE

CAN I SAY, BEST FRANCHISE EVER? I've grown up with this, and as I watched the London premiere live with all the stars coming in and giving their speeches, I was filled with goosebumps, and I teared. Yes I teared.

And then SPOPS happened. I play a very little part in this. But, NPSilat One Team. I was proud of the team, it really felt like we won first place even though we didn't. And with the juniors playing a BIG part in this, and all the newbies doing so extremely well, it just made me feel extremely lucky to be in such a wonderful team.

Then of course, I hit the BIG 18:

It was definitely not the best day I had. BUT the celebration was great. My birthday landed on Hari Raya, so we had fireworks with my siblings which was great. And the surprise from the girls Hanis, Asnira, Nadiah and Ellis was the best surprise ever. AND THE BEST GIFT EVER. 18 gifts in a big box, I will never forget how I had to walk through customs with that! :D

It was a GREAT year for my favourite celebrities too:

Even though Jonas kinda died down this year, they still rocks in my heart. They had their tour, their best and last performance together at the Concert For Hope.
Joe Jonas released FASTLIFE! Which I bought:P
Demi Lovato had an album, which I have!
Coldplay had a new album, Mylo Xyloto, which I bought!
And my favourite boyband from XFactor, ONE DIRECTION, rose to fame! Got their album woohoo! Gotta thank Whatthebuck for introducing me to XFactor, without which I would never have known about these boys till much much later, then I wouldn't even be a fan because of the craze they have now.

And my year wouldn't be as great without the people in it:

My awesome Riverside peeps, without which I would be so so bored with my life. The great outings we always have, even if it was just a picnic or a dinner, was the best moments of my life.

My beautiful NPSilat team, without which I wouldn't be having lots of friends in school, and wouldn't have belonged in NP. I wouldn't have met my fellow Arsenal fans, and directioners.

My hilarious classmates, without which classes would be horrible and boring. The laughter and crapness we went through in empty classrooms and what-nots was the best.

So it had indeed been a GREAT 2011. I thank God for making my year so successful and filled with happiness.
Let's just pray that 2012 would be the same, if not better, year for me. InsyaAllah:)

NPSilat Goodbyes

2011-12-19T08:29:00.001-08:00

It didn't really hit me till the last day of the came that the Year 3s are gonna be leaving us soon.

I've gotten so used to the idea of them around us always, that sometimes I forgot that we all only have 3 years in school and that this year was their last.

I'm gonna miss them all so much. It's not gonna be the same, that's for sure.

I'm not really close with any year 3s except for Berliana, but each individual Year 3 have made a BIG impact on our lives. They're my inspiration for training harder, they were the first friends I have in poly, they patiently guided us noob girls without any prior training.

They're the ones who believed in us, when we ourselves didn't believe in ourselves. They supported us and never once lost hope on us, even though we weren't as great. For all the belief in us, I thank you because without it, we won't be as strong as we are now.

For all the jokes and laughter you guys made, thank you. Because you opened your hearts to us so easily, and made us all so easily connected with you guys, you are the greatest seniors we'll ever have.

For all the effort to keep us going, I thank you because it must be so hard to manage and look after one whole team. But you guys are so committed that you hardly complained.

We will miss your presence during trainings, and I hope you will come down as much as possible because we need you guys. There's a special little place in our hearts just for NPSilat, and you guys are definitely definitely a big part of it.

Sometimes I wonder how we'll be without you, when it's our time to step up and become seniors ourselves. But NPSilat is ONE TEAM. And we will never fall apart no matter what, and that's a promise.

After all, "What's life without NPSilat?"

2011-12-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

Kk..quick update:

First paper was just now. Stayed up till 3 to study it cos I hadn't started studying a single thing. Was so busy with the long report assg, and coming back home at 1am every day last week was just tiring. But I pulled through, and I think I'm gonna do quite well for the paper. Well, at least I think I can pass it. I'm sure I made quite a few careless mistakes here and there, and I tikam a lot also.

SO next paper on Thurs and Friday, which means I have 4 days to study.

Not so confident for COST but Tax is my forte hehe..I have the confidence for tax lah, just need to make sure it's not complacency.

So erm, very tired last week. Gonna have another tiring week. Holidays are not really holidays, what with the 2 project submissions.

And this is gonna be my last long school break, cos I have no semester break yay-.-

I am not looking forward to internship.

10 things I hate about you. And you. And you.

2011-12-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

I hate the way you make me feel

like I'm such a waste of space.

Like I'm just a girl you would rather kill

than someone you would embrace.

I hate the fact you always look down on me

Because I know I've done nothing right.

The way you always look at me

As if you just hate it when I'm in sight.

I hate the way you shut me off

Ever so rudely, with the fake yawns and snores.

I know how I talk and that it's rough

To hear me out with my stories which bores.

I hate your eyes

Because they always makes me feel stupid.

You told me lies but pretend you're so nice
And I wish you would have stop it.

I hate how you think I'm no good at all

How I always screw things up for you

I have to smile and act like I'm having a ball

Just so I don't cry in front of you.

I hate how you talked about me behind my back

How you think I wouldn't know.

But you don't know that I could hear my heart crack

When I overheard you talking of me so low.

I hate how you think my life is all perfect

That you never even bother to ask

Don't you know how much it hurts me so,

to hide myself in this mask?

I hate how you expect so much of me
And think that you know me at all
But I'm tired and I'm lonely
And I hate being treated so small.

I hate how you don't show me any love
When all I want is to know you care
If only you know how seeing you love someone else gets on my nerve
But all I can do is stop and stare.

I hate how you're always so unsatisfied with me
How you talked bad about me to others
I love myself but you're not making it easy
And a broken heart is so hard to nurse.

Am I even a big part of your life?

Will you even miss me when I'm here?

I hate the fact I've to ask myself that question

And that thinking of you always make me tear.

1 December 2011.

2011-12-01T08:44:00.000-08:00

The countdown begins.

1 December was not really a good one.

But it was really just because of the stupid assessment.

We wasted so much opportunities to score, and in the end we were penalised quite heavily.

But the day was actually a good one.

Saw Mat Tuck after 2 weeks, cos I missed the shuttle bus on Tuesday-.-

So awkward, cos I was wearing my formal attire.

I swear he was staring like.. O.O

I'm not kidding, he took a double take when he saw me in the line. So I had to look away from him, cos I was looking at him too:P

In my head, I was just like 'Please don't look at me' even though I really want him to look at me.

But it's been a while since I wore high heels, and especially in school and those hills, it's just horrendous walking. I was doing so many faces cos I was losing balance and etc.

But he's kinda short huh. He walked beside me, and well you know..I added 2 inches to myself, whaddaya think?

Nvm, short is cute.

Lectures were okay. Accompanied Liyana to Helpdesk. She said the guy there cute..so not.

But it's been a while since I talked to her, so I shall put up with it.

The person I'm missing the most right now: Kames and Marcia.

So if you're reading this, I miss you!

Owe Marcia a birthday present! I don't know what to buy for you lahh.

K, goodnight.

It's 2 December now. I'm having lack of sleep this week and I'm tired.

But endurance.

End of hiatus.

2011-11-18T05:52:00.000-08:00

Heyhey!

It's been so long since I last wrote here. I miss blogging. Like seriously, blogger you're the only one that gets me. LOL.

I've been busy with school. Didn't have much time with my laptop. Well, truthfully, it hasn't been that busy. I somehow managed to escape that route of stress that everyone seems to be having now.

So..November's ending soon. I plan on blogging my favourite moments of 2011 later next month to countdown the year 2012. But before that, quick update on my life. I haven't read through my blog yet so I can't remember what I've blogged and what I haven't. So here's just a quick update on the new school semester:

5 weeks have passed! Can you believe that? Wow, I can't. Time seems to move so fast.

And thankfully, Alhamdulillah, I think I'm a much better student this sem. So far, I've been listening to lectures, been doing all my tutorials, listening in tutorials. I've only ever been asleep for FIT lectures and tutorials. BUT not this week! Week 5, gotta remember that. I did not sleep in the lecture and tutorial in Week 5!

The best thing is that, because all my lectures are at the end of the week, and all my tutorials are squeezed into Tuesdays and Wednesdays, it kinda forced me to do my tutorials during the weekends. So I'm kinda studying straight after lectures. I guess that's why most of the content is still in my head. So now, after Wednesdays, I'm as free as a bird. While everyone's busy thinking of assignments and tutorials, I'm sleeping or watching my many many shows.

I mean, I'm sure that won't be the case in the next term when all the projects are piling up. But I must enjoy the freedom that I'm having right now, or else I'll regret it. Everyday I thank God that I've been very lucky so far.

And that brings me to my next point which is, I haven't been doing my prayers that much. Let me be clear in this: I AM NOT proud of this. AT ALL. I'm trying to better myself everyday. I think me blogging this might help put me in the right direction somehow? I don't know, just a try.

Oh and 6-months Internship next sem. Excited? Very nervous, I know that for sure. And career portfolio thingy..gosh. Got me thinking of what I'm good at or interested in. What should I showcase to my teacher? I'm no good at drawing. Maybe writing..am I good at writing?

I don't know what I'm doing. But I'm happy. Well I think I am. So I'm gonna stick with that for now.

XFactorUK2011

2011-10-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

Ok so I took a hiatus from watching XFactorUK after the bootcamp, because I was kinda pissed by the judges's decisions.

Then I decided to see who the finalists were. And I wanted to see my favourite contestant so far, Janet Devlin.

So I caught up 2 weeks of shows.

Checked out Janet first. Cmon, I already love her, and she goes to sing a song from my favourite band Coldplay? Duh, she did a good job in it. She have like such a beautiful and unique voice. and she's cute and innocent-looking. Plus her personality seems nice, she's all shy like that. That's good. Then she covered my favorite song Can't Help Falling In Love With You, and did a very beautiful job for it!

So the rest of the girls, I don't really like.

Oh except Sophie. I forgot her last name. But her voice is beautiful too. I love that type of voice. Like the soulful type, the one that can sing a slow song beautifully. She's my next fav for the girls category.

Then I checked out the band. Nu vibe first, cos I saw a link that they were singing for survival already for the 2 show. Mehh..not that good. Seems dead. Good voices, but just doesn't mix well.

And my fav band, is The Risk! They're cute(I like Andy, he's got a cute accent and a boyface..and Charlie has the sweetest smile, and the other one got beautiful eyes), they individually have a great voice and they each got a part to sing so that's good instead of just harmonising, they look like men not teenagers lol, and according to Tulisa, they write songs and play instruments too, so that's always a plus for me.

I love musicians who go into the industry because of the music, not for the fame and popularity. So whenever I watch reality singing competitions, those who said they want to be famous whenever they were asked why they were there, immediately I axed them off my list. Maybe I'm stereotyping, but those who goes for the music tend to be better. More humble, nicer personality. Plus you kinda can hear their passion through their voices.

And this leads to the male category. For the record, I have disliked Frankie Cocozza from his auditions. I thought he was cute at first, then he opened his mouth and said he wanted to be famous and it's for the girls, and he showed his butt tattoos on tv, and his voice is just blehh. Doesn't reach the sweet tingly thingy in my ears. And I wanted him out from the start. But apparently the judges like him. Or maybe they were sure he's going to be popular for the show, which is good for the ratings. But obviously, he doesn't have that much fans seeing how he had to sing for survival in the 2nd show.

I really like James Michael. I saw him first in Bootcamp, thought he sounded like James Morrison, and I love that type of voice in a guy. Like so quirky but nice. Plus his curly hair totally got me. I'm such a sucker for curly-hair dudes! And he loves to wear fedoras, and looks great in it too! And beautiful eyes, long eyelashes. Sweet smile, infectious. Plays the guitar! And when he talks, it's like listening to a little boy, so cute so soft with his accent. Ahh, he's got the whole package.

I'm telling you right here, he fits all the criteria for my dream guy.

Well, I don't know his personality that well, SINCE HE GOT ELIMINATED BOO! Gary Barlow made the wrong decision duh. See, he chose Frankie over James, and the next week Frankie was bottom 2 hah. I mean, I'm sure James wouldn't win the competition, but I really wanted to see more of him! Like a few more weeks maybe, to really see him sing, to "get to know" him more.

The other 2 boys, Craig Colton and Marcus Collins were great! Both powerful voices, both cute in a certain way. Craig is like so cute with his facial expressions and all and belting out all the notes. Marcus is like this fun guy with smooth skin and super sweet smile, with a strong voice.

So yeah, my picks are:

Janet Devlin

Sophie

The Risk

Marcus Collins

Craig Colton

It all comes down to the voters and the freaking stupid judges decisions and the right songs.

And I want to say the elimination twist in Live Show 1 is so freaking stupid! You asked the judges to mentor their 4 acts. Then at the end of the performances, they have to eliminate one of their acts based on the live performances that they also helped put up and mentor. Like seriously? You gave some of them ridiculous songs to sing, then axed them off because sometimes people do have really nice voices, but it just doesn't do well for them to sing certain songs. If you're mentoring someone, then obviously you have to choose the songs that can make their voices stand out.

Gahh, I'm just mad about James Michael. No more curly hair dude, boo!

And the new semester begins!

2011-10-19T05:55:00.000-07:00

So Monday, 17th October, marks the first day of school! Bring on the applause! Yay!

Too bad all I had was Idea Launchpad. At 1 freaking pm.

So I didn't get to see all my ACC friends..but dear Marcia did accompany me from morning so I gotta thank her for that:) And it was great to meet her and gossip like usual:)

Idea Launchpad was not bad. I caught up with my group, and our discussion went well I guess. I see that guy checking me out lol. Yeah right. That was unnecessary. I forgot his name. Starts with F. I like the classroom:) Blk 73 yo! #02-07..brings a lot of memories..

FMGT classes...the first time I met my Cambodian team in bonding camp:D

Yeah, so after class, met up with Marcia again to eat. And then we went home:)

Simple day:)

But yet, I reached home at 8pm.

So Tuesday and Wednesday I had no school because there was no lectures and BCOMM classes.

So that means, tomorrow is my first official day of school. I'm nervous but excited. Oh and I'm returning back to training tomorrow too! After what, 2 months? So yeah..yay!

Missing Cambodia.

2011-10-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm missing Cambodia so much right now!

I don't mind waking up early in the morning to go to the dam to build a bridge. I don't mind constantly trying to think of new ideas to teach the class.

I LOVE IT THERE.

I keep looking at my pictures and the pictures on facebook and just trying to reminisce everything again. I know it's lame. I have withdrawal issues. Especially if I've connected with people. I did not expect to connect to all these people, my team, the locals there. You know how anti-social I am. but yeah, I've made a lot of friends, almost all of the team I'm close with. And I keep wanting to meet them all again.

Maybe this is a sign that I have no life till I constantly have to think about the past. Seriously got to move on with life. Help meeee..

Oh and I have been dreaming about this boy almost everyday ever since I came back. Gosh. Never have that happened. See why I don't talk to boys? I spent 2 weeks with one, and the next thing you know, I'm freakishly dreaming about him once we're separated. And yeah, it doesn't help that he's super funny, super tall, super nice, super smart, and maybe rich.

So yeah, Help meeeee..

Silent treatments.

2011-09-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

Months of not talking back to you.

I controlled myself, because I want to be a good daughter.

I'm lazy and unresponsive, that's just what I am. It takes me a few minutes to try to understand what anyone is saying to me. And everything follows my mood.

So I'm not the greatest daughter you'll ever have.

But compared to the others, you treat me way differently.

I've said this before, and I'm gonna say it again.

I love my family to death. But they're the cause of my sadness.

I know I'm a hard person to be with. I expect people to be nice to me, but I don't do it to people most of the times. I prefer to be with my friends than my family. Well actually I prefer to be alone. So much easier to be alone.

My mom is pissed at me and not talking to me. Which means my dad is pissed at me too. Which means everyone in the family right now is pissed at me.

I opened my mouth ONE time, and I messed up everything. Fuck this.

All I did was answer her question. She asked where I put this piece of paper, and I said I put it where it was. But it wasn't there. And I really don't remember putting it in any other place. And my mom keeps asking where I put it. And I keep saying I don't know where I put it. And then I heard her crying upstairs.

I don't freaking understand why. I gave her an honest answer. The only reason why I shouted was because I was downstairs and she was upstairs. I wasn't angry. I seriously don't know where I put it. And I heard Dad saying something like we're not respecting her.

What did I do?

My brothers raised their voice every single time they talk to her. She didn't cry. They get angry at her more than I do and she didn't cry. They talked back to her every single time and she didn't cry.

I keep quiet most of the time and the one time I chose to answer her, she cried.

That's the second time I've made her cry. The second time she's giving me a silent treatment.

That makes it TWO freaking people giving me the silent treatment.

I know it's a sin to make your mom cry. I'm very ashamed of that.

Anyone who knows me know that I don't apologise to people. As much as I'm sorry, I just don't say sorry to people. Not to my friends, not to my family. It's not because I'm not sorry. It's because I'm VERY sorry and feel so much guilt that I can't bring myself to say it out loud.

But I can't help feeling angry. Especially since I have no idea what the hell I did.

Sometimes, I just want to give up trying to live in this world.

Reflecting..

2011-09-05T12:18:00.001-07:00

Been reflecting these past few days. And I've come to realise something. And I drew up a conclusion.

I am good for nothing. And I deserve all the shit I get.

I don't cook. I don't do housework. I'm not smart. I'm not good at directions. I'm scared of practically everything. And I cry at every single thing. Everytime I talk, I hurt someone. If I don't talk, I hurt someone. I annoy people. People just don't understand me. I keep thinking about me, me and me and no one else.

I'm a fucking mess.

Seriously I tried to think of something that I'm good at. That actually makes me worth something. Which someone can actually say they're proud of.

I'm lonely.

Forgot it.

2011-09-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

Sooo I guess I never really talked about my birthday.

I turned 18 last week.

Can you believe it? I'm 18 years and one week.

Thought I'll feel a little different. But I guess birthdays doesn't really mean anything huh?

Just makes you a step closer to death.

Everyday still is the same shit.

I have to really thank my beautiful girls: Hanis, Asnira, Ellis and Nadiah, for the beautiful surprise. It was indeed pleasant. I really appreciate it.

I guess that's the only big thing that happened for my birthday.

Other than the big fireworks I got from my siblings. That was fun.

Other than that, hmm. Didn't really felt special that day. I guess I thought since I was turning 18, my family would have made me feel a little bit special. Guess what, my parents forgot that it was my birthday. Not until my sister reminded him in the car did they remember. So I just faked a smile, like I usually do around my family.

Guess who else forgot about my birthday?

This one person, really hurt me by not wishing me. Usually I wouldn't have notice or I would but not care so much. But really, I was waiting and waiting for my birthday to see if that person would wish me, even if it's on facebook, a happy birthday on that day. So I waited. From 12am on 30/08 to 12am 01/09. Yes I waited 2 freaking days. And gave up waiting. But it hurt me so much I kept thinking about it for the next few days.

On the week before that day, I thought to myself.

If that person wished me, then I guess we're fine and I can forget all of this happened. But if that person didn't, then that means that person doesn't want anything to do with me anymore? And so I guessed I really have nothing much to say to that person?

Which is truly very sad. I really like that person, really enjoyed the company. Sucks how that person gave me a silent treatment.

And if you must know, silent treatments is the worst way you can punish me. Seriously it can freaking turned me depressed. Because I don't make the first move. And I don't talk about my feelings to a person to that person itself. I can't face the truth even when it hits me in the face. And the one thing I don't do is confront a person. I'd rather let it hang then confront a person and find the answer myself.

That's what probably caused me so much pain in my life.

But despite all that, I really really like to give the benefit of the doubt to people. I can't hold a grudge on anyone, I just don't have the heart to. I'm soft and I'm weak.

Family.

2011-09-03T08:01:00.001-07:00

Don't get me wrong. I love my family with all my heart.

But, I can't help feel that I just want to be alone. Because honestly, my family makes me cry the most. Yeah I've got issues with friends. But the words coming out from my family gets me everytime. No matter if they're joking or not.

I'm a sensitive bitch.

So it hurts hearing all these remarks about me. I won't care if they're true or if they're joking. If it's insulting in any way, I'll just want to run up to my bedroom and stay away from them. But I'll smile and play along. Because we're family.

Why is it so hard to hear a compliment from them?

I guess that's why I've stopped trying.

Perangai

2011-09-02T23:37:00.001-07:00

I've been making an attitude nowadays. I've stopped talking to people. And that's saying something seeing how I rarely talk to people on a normal basis. I've stopped reacting to people's conversation. I rarely laugh or respond anymore. I just give them a -.-face, like I don't care what they are talking about. I have no heart anymore, I just stopped caring.

But the irony is, I've really started caring what other people think of me. In my head 24/7 I'm just constantly thinking what others say when they see me, when they talk to me.

I've hurt people along the way. I've annoyed people along the way. It sucks

10 more days.

2011-08-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

10 more days till Hari Raya!

and 10 more days till I turn 18:)

This year, I'm not really feeling the Ramadhan atmosphere.

And I've never really looked forward to Raya that much either.

I'm weird.

And anti-social.

What do I want for my birthday? Hmmm..

All I can think right now is a hoodie.

I've already gotten a camera so ya, that's my birthday present to myself:)

I can't think of anything else to have.

And I want to spend some time with my friends! My dear F4, please meet up soon!

You.

2011-08-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

You.

You are ruining me bit by bit every day.

I keep thinking about you. About you're doing to me.

Why?

I just want to know why.

You're killing me.

I don't want to think about it anymore.

And it's killing me how you're not doing anything.

I thought I was done with these type of problems when I moved on to poly.

But it's back.

And again, I still can't see what I did so wrong to deserve much hate from you.

Did I do something to hurt you? To anger you?

Do I disgust you that much?

Do you hate me so much that you can't even look at me anymore?

Tell me why.

Someone.

2011-08-14T02:02:00.000-07:00

I like how we kinda walk together side by side.

Random Stranger.

2011-07-30T11:02:00.001-07:00

This random stranger totally made my night.

And he's cute too.

He was in the 950 bus to Checkpoint. Didn't notice him until I was alighting.

He was wearing a sleeveless orange shirt with that bag I like. You can say he was dressed in one of the styles I like boys to wear. So ya he caught my eye a bit.

At first I thought he was like one of the usual Mats.

Then everyone was alighting and I was standing waiting to find a way for me to alight too.

And he saw me and allowed me to alight first.

Such a gentleman right?

So ya I smiled and took off. Since I was in a hurry, I had to walk a little bit faster than him.

But at the checkpoint, waiting to scan my passport, he was beside me.

Didn't notice him till he said 'Fuck' and since I wasn't wearing my right earpiece I could hear that. So I turned, like shocked to hear someone cursed at that time, and saw him there. He looked up to me so I quickly continued with my passport thingy and walked fast again.

Then at the msia customs, I walked beside him to the Macs lane.

I secretly liked it. Cheyy mentel tahap maksima.

Then you know there's like 3 automatic lanes for Macs user.

The last 2 was used but the first one was empty.

I wanted to go for it, but then saw him going for it too.

So I stopped. But he also stopped.

So we kinda looked at each other. I hesitated we both offered each other to go first.

Then he smiled (cute smile btw) and told me to go first.

So I smiled back ah right.

Such a gentlemen right?

But then ya, there's a reason why the first lane was empty. It was spoiled lol.

So he was gone by the time I changed lane.

But then he was walking quite slowly in front.

So I caught up. But he walked towards City Square la deyy. And I was hurrying to go to larkin.

Sadded.

But he was seriously so sweet.

Ok I cannot help it if a random guy offers me something like 'Ladies first' type of thing.

I would just melt everytime a guy does that. Like he's such a gentleman and a sweetheart like that right? Ya even though it's common courtesy ah. But still.

Cheers, for existing gentlemen:)

NPSilat BBQ

2011-07-30T10:48:00.001-07:00

It's nearing 2am. Just came back from NPSilat Post IVP/SPOPS gathering.

Reached there like around 6 plus and stayed till the end.

Which was late. Very late.

Awesome time. They never fail to make me laugh.

I mean, as anyone who reads this blog would know, I am currently facing a downturn in my life.

Very depressing, uncontrollable time of my life where I just hate everyone in my life, that including some of my closest friends.

Only some people are able to make me smile.

And that some people are my NPSilat.

Seriously. I know I don't talk much to people. Even after nearly 2 years in the club, I have yet to open up and be myself around them. That's just my nature. I know when I entered the club I would be the low-profile girl because I have never been good around big groups of people. And I have never been with so many malays in my life.

I really thank God for these guys right here. They're the most awesome-mest bunch of people anyone would ever meet. I can seriously feel the love, even if I'm the wallflower of the bunch.

You guys don't know how much you guys actually help me go through with my life. Cheesy much, but really. During bad days, and I chanced upon a friendly face, a salam and a hug could always cheer me up no matter what.

I won't probably have much effect on people's life, but the people who have affected my life have the right to know their awesomeness.

Cheers:)

SPOPS(2)

2011-07-30T10:39:00.000-07:00

I wanted to blog about something else, but then I realised I haven't blog about Day 2 of SPOPS which is long overdue. Let's try to see if I can remember what exactly happened.

Day 2 was just cheering and cheering and cheering.

I totally lost my voice:)

Which is rare for me.

But it was so exciting especially the last match. And that moment when Syazwan's match was the deciding factor..wow..powerful moment. The atmosphere was just awesome.

The freshies were not at all freshies.

I mean seriously, they are good! Great even.

100% sure if they worked harder, and I can assure you they worked very hard for this, they can win something in IVP.

Ya that's it. Ha. Ha.

SPOPS(1)

2011-07-25T17:52:00.001-07:00

Gonna blog about SPOPS:)

So last weekend was SPOPS and so I spent the whole weekend with my dearest NPSilat, the best people in the world.

So first up qas the Seni team.
Salmah did her tunggal, and it was wonderful. She deserves her position really. The top two were obviously more experienced and Salmah matched up to their standards so she should feel proud.

Then next up was Qamarul with his tunggal. I have to say this, I'm really proyd of the year 1 boys like for real. They went in there and gave their best an didn't gave up. Qamarul was great and I'm sure if he were to join the next IVP tunggal, with more practice he could get into the top 3.

Next was the girls' regu. We've seen them transform from absolutely nothing to something great within 1-2 months. I think we can all agree it was a really proud moment for everyone. I mean watching them perform then, giving their all. And especially with the other competitors which were experienced and awesome. The regu team are like our babies.

After that was a ery long wait till the trio puteri fight. Went to eat with Ikazul and Jazz and Syafiq. Super weird lunch it was.

So trio puteri: Syida, Syafa and Nadia.
I have complete faith in them. Practised with them and I know they're good. With a lot of doa, I'm sure they could win. The SMU people were a new batch is it? The trio managed to banting them a lot of time. And us supporters were having fun cheering for them. And in the end we won with 3-0!! It was a great way to end the already awesome day!

And that was the end of Day 1 of SPOPS!
Day 2 coming up.

Insecurities & Stupidity.

2011-07-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

I really need to voice this out.

But don't know to who, so I'm blogging it out instead.

I've been feeling this a long time already.

But recently, something triggered it.

And I can't seem to forget it.

Because it came from a friend.

And everything hurts more if it comes from a friend.

I've been really insecure about myself ever since the term starts.

Not about how I look. I've learn to accept that a long time ago.

It's about my brains.

Sometimes I just wish I don't have to go to school because I feel so stupid.

I feel like people are just looking at me and thinking about how stupid I am.

I keep imagining stuff and hearing voices in my head.

Am I misinterpreting it? Or is it really true?

I just feel like everyone's looking down on me.

Like I'm a piece of useless shit.

Who can't speak for herself.

Who can't seem to understand the simplest of things.

You know that feeling you get when you asked a lot of questions to someone and yet you still don't get it?

I get that every single day in every lesson.

The look from teachers. The look from friends.

The way they talk to me. It kinda hurts you know.

Like they're pissed at how stupid I am.

I can't seem to differentiate whether I'm dreaming it or if it's really real.

And it's making me crazy.

And insecurities lead to sensitivity.

Everyday I just want to cry. So far, I'm able to control myself.

But really. I feel like I shouldn't be doing group projects because I'm such a let-down.

I feel like I'm bringing down the whole team.

I feel like whoever's in my group will just have a harder time.

You know that kid that people always complain about in group work?

I feel like that kid.

Like I'm not doing anything, not contributing anything to the workload.

Not because I don't want to.

Because I am just that stupid that I can't seem to think, that I just can't seem to understand anything. It's like my brain is just some empty space that can't seem to process anything that anyone says or write.

So I'm really sorry if I've let you down, annoy you with my stupidity.

I can't seem to say it out loud to people.

Been hiding it with a smile.

I feel like giving up.

I really do.

But for now, I really just hope that I'll be able to stay strong.

And that God can help me through this.

Because I know that He's the only one that really love me for who I am, and He won't judge me.

He doesn't care whether I'm smart or not.

I feel so ashamed for asking God for help, when I have been neglecting Him.

I don't deserve His love, I know that.

But if it weren't for Him, I would have given up a long time ago.

I'd probably not be here anymore in fact.

Random midnight post.

2011-07-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

Hello:)

Currently listening to Broken Strings by James Morrison. How can I only decide to hear this song just now? It's a really nice song..maybe the person I heard covering the song didn't do it justice.

It's nearing 3am. I just returned from a Nisfu Syaaban majlis.

It's just nice seeing all those Salman people after what 3 months?

Suddenly I saw 2 girls pregnant.

Like when sia?

I seriously don't get girls getting pregnant right after they got married, like 2-3 months after being married. I mean ya, you wanna start a family, fine. Maybe it's just me. I will want some time alone with my future husband before I start thinking about kids. Especially if I don't know the guy long enough. Better not drag kids along in marriage problems.

And caught up with Aliyah and Laila, which was great. It's been long since we shared what's happening in our lives,so that was nice:)

Erm, boys? No cute guys ah.

Just curly hair, dimples:)

But he looked tired today.

Nvm, still cute.

And yeah, he's a younger guy lol.

Never really talked about him huh. Don't intend to also.

But I guess he's a decent guy. Don't know him personally but he used to be a classmate and from what I've heard and saw, he's pretty good religion-wise. Don't really hang out with those guys who smokes during majlis so I guess he doesn't smoke? I really hope he doesn't smoke, like the rest.

Erm yeah..school?

CLaw test 2..i just passed. 20/40. Yeah lost a lot of marks in the first question. I was really confused. And he wrote there "Borderline. Do better for project."

And I'm like there LOL-ing, cause I just realised that the project's due this Friday. And we haven't even talked about it once. And there's like 5 parts to it. And it's 40%. HA! Joke.

Erm, ya..Friday. I saw a lot of cute guys:) I like.

No Mat Tuck. But you can't consider him cute also.

So erm, a lot are just strangers I saw. Two of them particularly stood out.

The teacher, lol. And another one who I can't name here due to some reasons.

But ya, made me smile:)

And when I saw NPSilat people there. It was so nice.

Cos I was alone and was waiting for Hanis and Nadiah to come. And I really wanted to come down to Saniyah's booth at the entrance there. So after I talked to her for a while, decided to sit at cheers and wait for them. And then, perfect timing the silat girls came. So we sat together. So ya, I wasn't forever alone haha. And then the rest came. Made me smile for no reason. There is a reason but I won't say it hear.

AND I REALLY WANT TO WATCH HARRY POTTER!!

And I want to watch it twice can? One in 2d, one in 3d.

But no time:(

Oh, birthday list will be up at the end of this month I guess. I shy ah.

After months.

2011-07-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

We walked beside each other today:)

After months of trying to make it happen, it just happened just like that.

Yes, I actually have planned for us to walk beside each other, but it always fails.

Cos he walks freaking fast.

And it is weird that I find him sexy? Maybe cos he wears tight-fitting shirts.

Hmm.

Yeah, it's like 1am..I'm talking nonsense.

Bear with me, I don't get to see him as much as I used to last term.

And I'm still into younger guys lol.

K enough about boys. Never gonna get one. Forever alone. *happy face*:)

Breaking promises.

2011-07-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

I know I promised I won't emo.

But I guess it's that time of the month again or something, cos I just feel so effing pissed and shitless every single day.

It's been one of the most depressing week ever.

There were good moments.

But it comes and go. In the end, I just felt like shit.

You know you're depressed when even once-in-a-lifetime compliments can't make you smile.

The silence, the lack of care, the criticism, the look and the words.

I'd probably over-analysed everything. But it still hurts.

And you know what, that memory from primary school still haunts me.

And it comes back everytime I feel awful about myself.

Damn bullies and their words.

You don't go around saying hurtful words to people, especially when they're still so little cos it freaking haunts them till they're old.

No matter how much I say I don't care, deep down they're still hurtful words.

And that triggered so many things in my life.

Probably the first time I mentioned about this ever.

But even my closest friends don't know what that incident was.

I bet none of my primary sch friends can even remember what I'm talking about. It's just one of those little things you slipped out but just can't seem to forget about.

Freaking bad week. I just wanna say I hate everything. I just want to be cooped up in my room and be alone. I don't want to be in school. School depressed me.

People, they don't have the right to judge me.

I can see how they look at me, as if I'm so useless and that they just want to kill me sometimes.

You don't know the half of me, you don't get to be the one who can think like that.

I've been through bullying, neglect, depression,betrayal,criticism,abuse.

I used to be a leader, but now I'm just a follower.

Because I'm just so scared.

Birthday list.

2011-07-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to start writing up a birthday list.

Must be fun huh?

I've never written one before, never really asked for much during birthdays.

A simple wish could make my whole year really.

And ever since I've joined Tumblr, I've been wishing for a lot of things.

Some ridiculous, some achievable..but all require money.

If only I've got money to waste on.

I really hate wasting money on big items.

Rather spend a lot on small and cheap items than spending it on big expensive things.

Should I write what I want here? Or just write it somewhere else that no one can see?

First week after term break

2011-07-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

First week is done, 5 more to go!

I just realised that there's only like a month plus in one term, excluding the exam/study week.

So erm.

Exhausted?

4 hours of sleep everyday is no joke man.

There seems to be so little time every night when I reached home, that I tend to finish everything only at 1am.

And every morning I woke up late, causing my dad to be late.

And when I mean woke up late, I mean 10 minutes than when I'm supposed to wake up.

And it's the first week that I've returned to silat after my self-proclaimed break.

Tuesday was selection, fought with Zafirah.

As always, forever not winning. And forever pissed with that.

But Erian said it was a close call, she just managed to get more points in the last round.

That last round ah..I was confused? tired?

Cos Firdaus..or Tecktonik haha..told me to just continue punch and kick. But Erian told me to do bantingan. So you know me. Get two different instuctions, and I'll get mixed up not knowing or deciding what to do.

Thurdays was the usual.

And I realised I won't realise that my hands will be down whenever I kick.

Million times I get told to block or put my hands up while punching and kicking. But I really don't realise that my hands are down. Instinct.

And..I've only seen Mat Tuck twice the whole week.

Once on Monday at the queue, once on Wednesday while going to my next class.

Blegh, he stopped taking the shuttle bus or takes the earlier/later bus or something.

At least it'll help me get over him a bit yeah?

Erm yeah, so there's nothing really interesting that's happened this week.

Oh CT results. Till now I don't know about the marking scheme.

My target has always been, score as many points as you can.

But if I'm not wrong, I got 1C, 1 B and 2As. Well, 1A and 1 AD if I wanna say it properly.

So I'm damn proud of myself, alhamdulillah.

Especially since I barely have time to study, I think I did quite a good job.

See the trick is to understand the topic by the time your tutorial ends.

Yeah I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

Younger boys.

2011-06-26T04:25:00.000-07:00

I have a thing for younger boys.

LOL.

It's time for....Random post of the month!

The time of the month where I talk about random things and Hollywood!

Yeah, so for the past few days, I've been like crushing on 13 yr old boys.

Which got me thinking of the other younger boys I've crushed on back in Sec sch days.

There were...a few.

Then I realised, lately in Hollywood world, more girls have been dating younger guys.

I don't like using the term, guys dating older women. That sounds more disgusting I think, even though it doesn't really make a difference.

Yeah, so there's Bieber and Selena.

Which reminds me of this photo:

And as you can see his body is super buff here. So most of the Bieber fans were all gishing about how hot his body is, how you can see his buff chest and abs.

But then Jonas fans, esp JOE JONAS fans, obviously recognise this from somewhere before.

So...

Yep, there you go. They photoshopped Jelena's faces into Jashley's bodies.

Which is weird. And whaaaat?

I laughed so hard reading the comments for the first picture, I think I laughed for like 5 mins.

JoeJ fan for life, I didn't notice that Selena's face was photoshopped. But I knew something's up with Bieber's face. I mean, I know those hands. Manly hands. And the body is actually obvious that it's Joe's if you're a fan.

Ok, so back to topic.

So that's Jelena and Jashley.

Another example is Nick Jonas and Delta Goodrem, they're what, 8 years apart?

I don't mind him dating an older girl really, but the thing that bothers me is that he's only 18. I don't know, I don't think it'll bother me that much if he were say 21 and she's erm 29. That doesn't sound so bad. Cos 18..that's like teenager.

Yeah so I can't think of any examples right now, but I know there's more, not Disney people.

I want to eat now, buhbye.

Recent events.

2011-06-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

Hey yo wassup?

When was the last time I blogged? I've been thinking about blogging. But I can't seem to bring myself to type about recent events.

AND THERE'S SO MANY EVENTS THAT HAD HAPPENED!

AND I REALLY WANT TO SHARE IT HERE, BUT MY MIND WILL STOP ME FROM DOING SO!

So, I'm just gonna summarise the events that I haven't blogged about:

-The GNO at Sakura

-The 30 Hour Famine Camp

-Cambodia t-shirt designs

AWESOME THINGS^

-Tutorials not done

-IB still suckish

DEPRESSING THINGS^

So erm, school's gonna start tomorrow.

You know what sucks?

Having to spend the whole day in school, but only having a freaking 2hr class in the middle of the day.

And the module is not even worth me doing that!

Freaking IB! Whoever thought that it's good to have only a 2hr useless class in the day is freaking stupid. Shouldn't be in the school's committee AT ALL.

So gonna skip like 2-3 lessons. Since there's only like 6 lessons left I think.

And I'm refusing to do my IB project, even though it's due tmr. Fuck this shit.

But yet, all I think about is IB. KMN.

I don't think the new term's gonna be so good.

But 6 weeks are just gonna fly by. And I'm gonna be more stressed than ever.

What with my other commitments.

See, I've been skipping a lot of Silat trainings lately. A month I think.

Sometimes it's for a reason, sometimes I'm just too lazy to enter Singapore.

So ya, stamina's bad right now. My legs cramped up when I climbed the stairs at home, gosh.

The Cambodia trip is erm..ongoing?

I've volunteered to become the t-shirt designer. Along with one other girl.

But I think I'm like the leader of it? I don't know, she doesn't make any attempt to contact me first so I'm just gonna take charge.

Besides, when it comes to creativity, I hate using other people's ideas.

Yes, I become really stubborn when it comes to creative thinking.

I know I'm not the best out there, I'm not even half as good as those talented young artists out there. BUT I love trying out new softwares like Photoshop, Audacity, Sony Vegas, etc.

I'm still learning the basics, and I have no idea what good it will do for my Accountancy course but I love it and it helps me distract from school.

Sometimes I think it's a waste of time.

But I can't help it.

I love knowing how things work, how videos are made and edited out, how pictures are taken and edited out, how music is edited out. It just kills me not to be able to apply it to anything useful in real life.

Man, I keep thinking what it would be like if I were to join FSV, but then I come to reality and realised I don't have the personality for it. I don't think FSV is for people who are quiet and shy like me. Blegh. Too bad, I really do have the passion for it. But I can't survive with it.

And I'm missing Mat Tuck so much babes.

Lol. When it comes to him, only Marcia can entertain me.

The rest just won't understand. Haha.

Tired of sadness.

2011-06-10T08:07:00.001-07:00

I've been wanting to update my blog but I'm too lazy. No motivation to write down what happened.

It's a funny story, about the night I had a GNO at Sakura.

But before that, let me just put up this post.

I really think that this month (not June, but the month starting after my period) has been really good to me. I've not cried or have a sad thought, besides that time before exams but that doesn't count. School has been good to me I guess since there wasn't much IB to complain about plus there was elearning week. I see Tumblr posts about being sad and I think," Hey that's so depressing. They shouldn't have posted or reblogged that. Life is good."

Then just now, was looking at random videos and out of nowhere, dark clouds entered soul.

You know that feeling? I don't know what I'm sad about, but that feeling of gloom is just around you and you can't help feel so down. You try to think of happy thoughts but it doesn't work so well. Then I realised..oh, this is my 4th week.

PMS season is back.

And I'm really tired of this.

I learned a very important lesson during Common Test week.

To never give up, even when you think you're gonna fail.

I've never really learned this lesson and I've always refuse to learn it. My mentality affects a very big part of my life. But this week, I really felt proud of myself. Seriously.

I thought I wasn't gonna make it for exams but I decided against it and tried my best and you know what, I'm gonna be happy about my results.

But then, after one challenge has ended the next challenge arrives. That's life huh?

It's like you're taking part in a competition and every few weeks/month, a new challenge will be given to you right after you've completed your previous one. And the toughest part is, it's never gonna end until you're dead.

So maybe that's why people commit suicide. Because they're tired of constantly trying to overcome their challenges in life, mostly which they failed. I guess that's like losing the competition again and again. Till the point where you have nothing to look forward to at the end of the day.

Two weeks.

2011-06-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

A record of two weeks without tears.

And every night, I end up smiling.

Thank you Jonas Brothers, for making me relive some of my best memories with your songs.

But all good things must come to an end.

I just burst into tears.

I'm sorry.

I thought I wasn't feeling the stress.

But when Ummi asked me to do something, I couldn't take it anymore and I just cried.

Suddenly I realised there's not much time to study.

The worst part is, I only just started studying.

Projects and tutorials made me delay my studying time, and now I find myself struggling to maintain myself.

I need to calm myself down.

Happy thoughts, Thahira.

Should be worried.

2011-05-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

I should probably be worried by now.

Monday's ending soon.

Which means I have 4 more days to study CLaw.

And for the first time I think, all my papers are on consequtive days.

I haven't start studying on anything.

Tutorials are probably gonna be shit this week cos we're supposed or expected to have revised everything by now.

I know nothing.

And I ain't even worried.

I don't know, there seems to be no motivation for me to do well anymore.

Anyways, so far I'm still happy.

Still withdrawing myself from people.

I need to work on that.

Nag.

2011-05-27T03:11:00.000-07:00

Oh look, it's been a while since I last have been in the house for a full day.

How I missed that.

NOT.

I forgot how my mom always manage to pissed me off everytime I'm home.

Give me a break man.

This is like the busiest month ever, and it's still going to be for the next few weeks.

The only time I'm at home the whole day will be on the weekends, and that's gonna be gone soon once I'll start going for religious class and trainings soon.

I'm constantly doing projects and tutorials and I have yet to freaking study for my 4 freaking papers which are all equally super hard. One week left, I bet I'm failing all my common tests.

And here you are, screaming at my ears asking me to clean my room.

I get that my room is a mess and it's disgusting.

But right now, I really just wanna channel all the energy that I've got left in my body towards school, no matter how much I hate it.

You see, unlike my brothers and sister, I actually care about getting a good grade. And unlike them, I actually have to get into a university because I want you to at least have one child in your family to go to a university.

As much as I complained, and as much as I really don't want to do this anymore, I know it's for my future.

But in the end, when all I wanna do is take up something that I love instead of continuing on for money, I realised that if I wanna live in Singapore, or in fact anywhere else, I gotta have a good income and that having a job that I really love and have a passion may never happen.

I'm gonna have my break in 2 weeks, I'll have all the free time to clean my room.

Stop checking into my room everyday.

How about instead of that, you check about how I'm coping with my life?

All you know about me is that I'm lazy, and all you hear of me is my complaints about school.

No actually, I'm so used to not talking about my life to you, I think even if you care, I won't want to talk to you about my life.

2011-05-24T23:12:00.001-07:00

My best days are always the first week after I end my period.

Hahahahahahahahaha.

Blur sotong.

2011-05-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a good day.

Except for the fact that I had short-term memory loss throughout the day.

I admit I was tired.

I slept a lot the night before, but I was mentally tired from the past few weeks and maybe the exhaustion of coming home at 12 almost everyday finally hits me.

So we went to Orchard to do our project. Then we head back to the school library to write up the report. That's where the first sign of my STM showed.

I tapped my ez-link card, but somehow by the time I sat down, I had completely forgotten whether I had tapped it. I had to asked my friends if I had tapped it.

Then in the library, we sat at Level 3.

So around 4.30, I left with Marcia to submit my bursary forms. When we returned, I really thought we sat at Level 2 and nearly went the wrong way.

Then my biggest mistake ever.

After training, I completely forgot about my laptop.

Seriously, if the boys haven't seen it, I would have happily gone home without my laptop and I bet I won't even realised it till I reached home. The weird thing is, everyday I bring my laptop to school so there's no reason why I would have forgotten about my laptop especially since my laptop is my life.

I would have gone through 2 days without my laptop, and my e-learning would have been affected for sure.

I wasn't on alert mode as well. If Marcia wasn't there, I would have probably missed my Mat Tuck. But I swear I was super blur sotong. Marcia was like "Eh that's Mat Tuck at the side" And I'm like there turning like a lost puppy saying "Where? Where?"

Finally I saw him, and he was looking at me lol. Happy sia. Too bad I wasn't on alert.

And today, he was right behind me at the queue!

Like finally, after a year, I was so close to him.

But that means, I cannot look at him cos he's right behind me lol.

Ok, enough of gushing.

Mimpi banyak jer, padahal takde paper happening.

30 hour Famine Camp-Training

2011-05-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was the training for the 30-Hour Famine Camp.

A lot of wasting time.

But when the activities started, it was actually kinda fun.

My station was the construction site.

The game is to screw 5 screws into wooden boards within 15 mins.

Sounds easy?

It's actually very hard.

I thought our jobs are gonna be super lame but well yeah, it was fun.

Especially when you inflict injuries on the random people.

I feel kinda bad for it, cos most of the people we're doing it to are usually good and are halfway done already.

But I guess that's that;s what they're supposed to feel.

The unfairness and the toughness of the jobs.

So it got me me realising how long it had been since the last time I did ANYTHING other than school and silat.

I need some fun in my life.

I'm tired. Mentally and physically.

I'm so tired, I literally cannot remember what had happened in the last few weeks of my life.

Thank god for lecture notes and all the other stuff I wrote.

I have forgotten all lectures and tutorials, forgotten all my deadlines.

I am so gonna be dead for Common test and my projects.

Skinny white boy.

2011-05-20T04:28:00.001-07:00

@skinnywhitteboy twittered to me today.

So fun.

Remember how I used to panic when he first replied me and followed me on twitter?

Haha, good times.

Now I just go with the flow, and just have a conversation with him.

For those who don't know, @skinnywhitteboy is this guy from US who randomly found my twitter and followed me. He started replying to my random tweets. He was one of my first few followers actually.

So it's been a few months since we twittered to each other. And I kinda forgot that he exists, didn't even realised he's still following me.

Then, just now I tweeted "Sleepy. Hopes Pauly won't ask me qns. blah blah blah"

Then he replied,"me too, why are you still awake?"

So ya of course I have to tell him that it's only 2.30pm here.

So yeah, we had a small conversation about where we lived, I told him about Singapore, guessed correctly that he won't know where that is.

Then I realised how I don't like saying that Singapore is somewhere in Asia.

Not that I don't like Asia.

It's just that when people say Asia. they tend to stereotype to Chinese people.

And I don't like that.

I mean, Asia..there's Thais, Malays, Indonesians..so many other races.

Ok so back to the point.

It was kinda fun talking him, like a complete stranger who based on his tweets and profile, I have no common interest with. He's a scene kid, ya know, who's grammar kinda suck haha.

Yup.

So this is finally a post about something not sad and depressing haha.

Oh I didn't see my Mat Tuck today. Sad you know.

I realised I'm so used to seeing him everyday,until the point when I don't see him it's just weird.

Abeh bile nampak die, tak nak tengok puas-puas, nak step malu konon.

Lain kali, aku stare die sampai die perasan ah!

Ooops, too late, did that already.

2011-05-18T07:11:00.000-07:00

I think I need a psychiatrist.

Just love being sad.

2011-05-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

Worst feeling ever?

3 weeks of sadness.

Depression, can I just say I have it?

Feel sad for no reason.

And the horrible part is, I WANT to be sad.

And my tears are back.

I can cry again.

Every week, my wish for the whole week is just to be happy.

Fully happy.

Not those smile-and-laugh-then-back-to-being-sad moments.

I'm not..

2011-05-15T03:56:00.000-07:00

I'm not like you.

I'm not pretty or cute.

I'm not street-smart or book-smart.

I'm not popular or cool.

I'm not the class clown.

I'm not nice or say the nicest things all the time.

I'm not the girl that people, boys or girls, are just attracted to become their friends.

I'm awkward and shy and boring and very very mean.

Sometimes I wonder why my friends even want to be friends with me.

So on a sidenote, thank you to those who find me interesting enough to be your friend.

I may not be the best person alive, and sometimes I feel bad for the people who met me.

Half happy, half depressed.

#NPSilat FOC 2011

2011-05-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

Great way to end the exhausting week!

After not seeing NPSilat the whole week due to projects, it kinda felt a bit awkward at first.

But the FOC was super fun.

The games were just hilarious!

The icebreakers were ok, I mean, ya it did break the ice lol.

The indoor games are the best!

Seriously!

Captain's on the deck was awesome shizz.

Laughed like crazy, I think that's when my sore throat got worse.

It was so hilarious how we were all pulling each other desperately just to stay in the game:)

I don't mind playing that game again!

The pisang game was great too, it was a short one but it was funny how we all were not happy with the other teams, trying to get each other forfeits.

The outdoor game..wow.

Let me take a second here to talk about how Mat Tuck was there.

LOL.

Ok, ya his floorball foc just ended and ya..he was there.

Cute sia.

We played the Dog n bone game. Yeah I was scared to burst the balloon.

I hate bursting balloons but well, it turned out quick huh.

And then it was the wet game.

OMG.

So fun!

But then I realised that Mat Tuck was standing right there, right freaking there.

He was watching the whole game, laughing.

Can I just point out that I really like it when he doesn't tuck in his shirt?

And when he's actually smiling?

K stop it, Thahira..

But yeah, I love sliding on that thing lol.

But I think some detergent got into my mouth haha.

Then had a great bus ride to Clementi Mall.

Oh man, our freshies are great, super funny!

GREAT DAY:D

AWESOME.

Couples.

2011-05-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

You know what's been bothering me these 2 weeks?

Freaking couples everywhere.

Ya it's sweet. But everywhere I turn, confirm got couples.

I saw two couples this week, with their mouths glued to each other.

That's so disgusting.

You know how I just love to stare at random people?

Yeah well, if you're a part of a couple, I will stare at you so long until you get uncomfortable.

Seriously, I stared at the kissing couple, till they noticed and walked off.

The other thing that's bothering me?

Freaking ass-es every freaking day.

I am so tired.

And it's only Week 4 of Year 2.

It's not even half the sem, what more the year.

I cannot wait for Year 3. -.-

Libraries.

2011-05-09T01:37:00.000-07:00

I really don't like going to Woodlands library.

In fact, I'm only here right now because I just want the air-con.

If not, I much rather be waiting for my dad at the bus stop.

It's not the library per say, it's the librarians.

To think I used to want to be a librarian.

Librarians should be included into the list of most-hated jobs ever, along with dentists and policemen.

Always checking up on people and asking people to shut up is the most annoying job ever.

And with their stoned faces. At least say it with a nice tone or smile.

Why would you want people to hate you so much?

Annoying.

I need to stop it with these sad posts.

2011-05-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

These past few nights and mornings have been the worst.

I go into mania in the afternoon, but once school's done and I'm all alone, all these feelings just rushed back into my head.

My tears have dried up. I can't cry anymore, so I don't know how else I'm gonna let everything out.

I myself don't know how to explain my feelings. It's all mixed up: sadness, jealousy, anger, stressed, stupidity, insecurity,left out,plain ugly.

Every morning I just want to be left alone.

Blast some music in my head, before school starts and all I can think about is tutorials and projects.

I don't really look forward to seeing my friends anymore, even though they're the ones who in the end is the reason there's a smile on my face.

I know it sounds quite harsh to say this about my own friends.

But that's how I felt last week. Hopefully, it'll all be gone before any problems arises.

It's like I have bipolar disorder or something.

I'll start laughing to myself all of a sudden, and do crazy stuff, and the next moment, I just want to cry and kill myself.

Ergh, my posts are so depressing.

Before I go, just wanna give a huge thanks to these people:

- My ACC friends: Marcia, Yana, Amelia - you guys put a huge smile on my face everyday with your antics, so thank you. Without you guys, my days would probably be hell.

- Ellis - I was touched that you actually saw through me and my emoness, but I really needed to be alone that time but thank you for noticing, it means a lot actually just knowing that someone knows:)

- NPSilat - Trainings are always tiring but you guys always made my nights. If I could, I would list down all your names now but there's so many of you. Love ya peeps<3

- Izzah - I don't know if you read my blog, but if you do, just wanna tell you, you give one of the best hugs ever. People who knows me well know that I'm not exactly a hugger but your hugs always make me feel happy:D So thank you, miss you.

Love my friends really<3

I may not be the popular kid, or have the most friends,

so anyone who knows something personal about me is very much considered my friend.

Gosh, this post looks as if I'm writing a suicide note or smth, lol.

It's just a mask.

2011-05-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

Week 3 of Year 2.

I'm not coping well with my studies.

I fall asleep in lectures. I haven't decided on a learning system.

I don't do tutorials properly, half-completed.

I'm not pushing myself hard enough.

Silat-wise..hmm.

Sometimes I do get that feeling.

I just try to cover it up as much as possible.

No one had noticed it yet right?

Yeah, probably best if you don't know what I was thinking anyways.

My stamina is weak. I see the freshies coming in and doing everything without complain.

And I'm here panting my way through.

Kinda pathetic.

I tend to get high a lot these days.

I guess that's when I know, if I continue to bore myself and think of all the negative things, I'll just break down there and then.

It's just a mask.

I want people to know that it's a mask, but I don't want them to try to get it off.

I like my mask.

Even though half the time I'm just lying to myself.

Insecurities suck much huh.

Today was a good day actually.

A lot of good things happened, most of it was just the boys I got to see.

But if that's how I defined a good day, then I know I'm just trying to ignore what I'm really feeling deep inside.

And I'm not ready to tell people what that feeling is.

So until then, goodnight.

Good day.

2011-04-29T07:44:00.000-07:00

Today's a good day huh?

I'm thinking of changing my lucky shirt from the yellow one to the blue one.

I've worn my yellow shirt, and so far, those days didn't really go well.

So today, let's see..

Saw Mat Tuck in the line. Just a glimpse, was too tired to creep on him like I always do.

Went to ze library to sleep but ended up just slacking there.

EAA class is stupid.

2 hours break was spent with Tumblr.

CLaw was ermm...dak duk dak duk.

He used Google Docs to teach, which has its ups and downs.

We don't have to copy anything down since the docs are shared but at the same time, we really have to know the topics well before each tutorial because it's just fast.

Reached home to watch the last bits of the Royal Wedding.

Which I think is just PURE AWESOMENESS.

Prince Williams..gosh, I remember how I used to love him so much when I was little.

Now though I think Prince Harry is the cuter one.

Kate is a freaking lucky woman!

It's great how people loved her so much and accepted her to be in the royal family.

And the dress!

You can see all the small small details of the dress and it's just beautiful.

Elegant, not too revealing, but still sexy.

Those people who doesn't really care about the wedding are just too ignorant.

I mean, even if you don't really check up on the updates before the wedding, you HAVE to watch the wedding.

There's just been too many sad happenings in the world right now, once in a while when something huge happens where everyone can be happy for, you have to join in too.

This is NOT overrated.

It's not just two normal people or two rich famous people getting married.

It's the freaking Prince.

You have to love and enjoy it.

Bad Morning.

2011-04-27T07:26:00.000-07:00

I was not expecting today to be bad.

But it was.

Not the most baddest day ever, it's normal actually.

Just that I was expecting a lil bit more.

So as usual, I queued at the shuttle bus, secretly hoping Mat Tuck will be there.

-He wasn't.

Reached school way too early.

-Ipod couldn't connect to the internet.

Left lense was giving me problems.

-Rubbed my eye a lot, teared up, winked at people accidentally in the purpose.

Finally Marcia arrived.

-2 freaking spiders were on my head the whole time.

Entered lt with a bad mood.

So I did what I do best when I'm in a bad mood.

Complain complain complain.

Give sarcastic remarks to every sentence anyone said.

So Marcia, I'm really sorry if I complained way too much today.

But even when I'm sarcastic, I'm right apparently. Lol.

Lecturer had a picture of a pufferfish on her first slide.

She asked us if we all know why she did that.

I remarked sarcastically "Cause she's pregnant"

And apparently I was right.

Yeah I'm awesome in little ways like that.

Ate at Munch. Ate the nasi ayam panggang set again.

Went for next tutorial. Was feeling dead, so I had to find ways to entertain myself.

So people who knows me, will probably know how I like to breakout into random hyper self.

Started blurting out all sort of stuff and laughed at my own jokes.

Laughter is a good way to hide what you're really feeling.

IFA tutor is ermmm..

She doesn't really teach. I don't know if it's because it's the first tutorial or if it's because she's really like that. But yeah, thank god I understood the topic from the lecture and had no problems with it. I'll be lost for sure. Because she's not really officially a tutor, I'll give her another chance.

IFA lecture next. I remembered the lecturer being way more fun last week. I just wanted to sleep man. It was so effing boring. And it's a whole new topic, and I didn't get a single thing. I just copied out what I thought was important and just zoned out throughout the rest of the lecture.

And IFA is the most important module.

Fail this, and I can't progress to sem 2 or year 3 properly.

I'm so reluctant to do my Audit tutorial now. It's so fcuking tedious.

I had doing Internet research for tutorials. Bad.

Ergh.

Oh, I finally heard how my Mat Tuck sounds like.

Heh.

Oklah, nice voice. At least not kemek.

And Hazirah keeps emphasizing that he's short. Lol.

Oh and that freshie, Mohsin or Mukhsin..I don't know how to spell his name..we were all talking and introducing ourselves, then he was trying to remember our names..

He called me Takziah.

HAHA..sadded or what. Amek kau takziah. Hazirah was laughing so hard when she heard him called me that.

And that is why I hate telling people my name for the first time.

1) The first word that comes out of their mouth is usually 'Nadira'

I didn't realise my 'T' sounds like 'N'. Need to improve on my phonics huh.

2) Not really the easiest name to remember.

I love my name don't get me wrong. Love it with all my heart.

Sometimes, it just gets annoying when people are trying to learn your name the first few times.

Mat Tuck

2011-04-25T07:06:00.001-07:00

I have to put this story into my blog so just bear with me for a while like you always do:)

Marcia calls it the Mat Tuck encounter and she was the one who got so excited over it more than I did haha..
So here's what happened. Just a small encounter that made my whole day.

We were at Makan Place.
It was 1pm and we were leaving for Idea Blueprint class.
I was rushing because I thought I was late.
So I stood up quite fast, and nearly bumped into someone but I stopped myself. I looked up and saw Mat Tuck right in front of me.
For that one second I was just like 'OMG'.
But then I realised I was kinda blocking the way, so I walked towards Jess and Marcia.
Quickly told Marcia that that was Mat Tuck.
I turned just in time to see him looking at me.
Eye contact siol.

I think I was smiling at that time. Because I was excited to tell Marcia. So I don't know if I looked like a creep.

And Marcia was like 'Eh your Mat Tuck! Your Mat Tuck took your seat!'
And she was the one who got excited LOL.

Yeah so I entered blueprint class with a smile. I was smiling while setting up my laptop, sending an email, twittering..couldn't help myself.

The littlest things that happened, however not real they are, can make my whole day.
I'm still smiling now, daydreaming.
Seeing him in the morning is the only way I can look forward to school everyday. Besides meeting Marcia HAHA.

Boys in my house.

2011-04-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of the boys in the house.

Ignoring the fact that without them, I'd probably be dead by now..

They seriously should stop whining so much.

Stop demanding and expecting so much from me and mom.

There's so much we can do around the house.

You complain the house is too messy?

Well, half the mess is yours so why the hell should I clean it up for you?

You complain of the food?

You shouldn't be so freaking cerewet!

Eat whatever is on the table, it's not a fancy restaurant. We don't necessarily cook the food perfectly. And trusting me with food? Biggest mistake you will ever make in your life. By now, in how many years you have raised me, you should have known I cannot be trusted with cooking. I will 100% ruin it for you. It will, I promise you, be burnt.

That's how much I hate the kitchen.

I am the most irresponsible daughter anyone could ever have.

I hate that I am, but I tried.

I tried.

But my flaws still show.

I'm just that. You're never happy with me.

How am I supposed to be happy with myself, when you're never happy with me?

Fuck it, so freaking pissed.

Good Friday.

2011-04-22T08:10:00.001-07:00

The only good thing about today is there is no school.

At least I have the whole day to rest.

School actually isn't so tiring.

Really, I don't know why I can't keep my eyes open in school.

Every break I have, I just want to sleep.

Yesterday's training was normal.

Tiring, but which training isn't tiring right?

The journey back home was the most tiring part I guess.

Unbearable.

I rarely complain about the journey back to Johor every Tuesday and Thursday because for me, when I look at it, it's not that different than if I were to stay in Pasir Ris or somewhere in that area.

BUT, there is a difference in the people you encounter in Spore and the ones at the checkpoint.

First of all, I was a little bit behind time because the bus stop at school was packed.

Super packed.

But 170 only comes after 10.30pm so I thought I don't mind waiting.

I thought, that the later I took the 170 bus, the less people there were gonna be.

Boy was I way wrong.

I don't know if it was because it was the holidays, or if it was just because of the time.

Woodlands Checkpoint was packed when I entered.

Usually there'll be a lot of lines still empty, but everywhere it was long queues.

Lucky I passed through quite fast.

The unbearable part was down the checkpoint, where everyone's waiting to get into the bus to kastam.

I didn't bother to queue cos that's what I usually do nowadays at night because usually there's no line or there's no people at all.

But there was already a long queue, PLUS there was already a crowd at the front, including me, who don't bother to queue.

The buses were already lining up.

But people still decided to push one another to get in the bus.

THAT is what I hate.

Clearly you see the person in front of you climbing up the stairs.

CLEARLY you don't have to help him climb the stairs.

CLEARLY you don't have to freaking push him up.

Clearly you don't have to be SO FREAKING KIASU.

Ergh. That totally spoiled my mood.

Everyone was just pushing each other to try to get in front.

And I HAD TO join along, if not I'll get pushed and stepped on.

So ya, I had to be that kiasu girl pushing along the crowd.

People were shouting and pushing.

NO FREAKING ORDER.

Why can't people just wait for their freaking turn??

Abah saw my cranked up face when I entered the car at kastam.

Was just so pissed off.

------------------------

On the side note, I'll get to see Mat Tuck everyday:)

Cos he got fyp project to do so he's gonna be taking the shuttle bus everyday i guess.

Oh except Monday, cos I have to be in sch by 8.

But it's ok.

I'm happy:D

Year 2 so far.

2011-04-20T06:56:00.000-07:00

My second year of school had started.

So far, it's been TIRING.

I don't know why it's so tiring.

But I could sleep all day to rest myself from this exhaustion.

Monday, I reached home and immediately slept till 10, only to wake up to eat and pray, and then slept again till 4.

Tuesday I had silat, so I slept at 12. Supposed to wake up at 4 but really cannot open my eyes, so woke up at 5 and had to rush to prepare everything in 30mins.

Today, I had class from 9-6. Luckily there were some changes in the class schedule, so we had two breaks in between. But the day was so long and draggy, and the classes were so boring.

One good thing that happened so far was that, I now know that Mat Tuck takes the shuttle bus on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Hopefully he'll take it on Thursdays and Fridays too.

Tuesday we got eye contact siol!

This time confirm, I'm not dreaming about it.

It was awkward but who cares, EYE CONTACT SIOL.

And we wore the same colour shirt twice..not exactly the same colour but around the same.

Tuesday blue, Wednesday red/pink.

Sorry eh, 6 weeks never see him.

Even Marcia was excited for me, which I am thankful for:)

And ya, she's right, he looks really small, some more with the way he dresses. I can mistake him for a year 1 anytime.

Monday I was late for my 8am class. One and a half hour late.

RECORD.

The class was 4hrs so lucky for me.

CCA Fiesta was alright?

Didn't really participate in it that much.

I was there for 2 hours on Monday, hanged around till my dad arrives.

Jokes, laughter, and heat.

Didn't come down on Tuesday at all. Was tired for no reason at all.

I didn't catch both the performances so that I'm kinda sad about:(

Hmm..what else?

Marcia rebonded her hair..VERY NICE. So if you're reading this, ya..I don't think I have complimented you yet:P

Oh Blueprint class!

I was super worried because I know no one in the class, and I was sitting alone at first.

But then, we formed groups..quite randomly.

And my group members seemed friendly and nice so I'm happy to stick with them if they want to.

Plus, the malay guy in my class quite cute.

I was talking to Marcia about how I hope he's not hot and she was like, why? Isn't it better if he's hot? so I said,"well if he's hot, then I won't stop looking at him and that will just be awkward"

And then in class, he entered and I'm like..this is the malay guy..shit he's quite cute.

I literally immediately took out my phone and texted Marcia.

I was trying not to smile cos it's funny, from my point of view.

But I know nothing about him so I can't stalk him yet. Oh maybe I can..fb. I know his name.

Nvm, we're gonna be in the same class for one year. Confirm get to talk to him at least once.

Yeah, once is enough.

LOL.

Tomorrow.

2011-04-17T06:46:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow's the first day of Year 2.

Am I excited?

Hmm.

I am definitely not looking forward to the modules I have to take this sem.

But keeping my hopes up that I'm able to process the lectures.

First week of school, I don't like to take it too seriously.

Tomorrow's my IS day.

So I got TVE for 4 hours and Idea Blueprint for another 2.

Then after that, I've got booth duty for Silat.

I'm disappointed that I'm not able to join them for the performance,

because of Mom issues.

But, I'm not able to watch them perform tomorrow too!

Luckily, I'll have time on Tuesday to watch them.

Need to show them my support at the very least.

Been feeling a little left out but I'm alright with it.

Gonna see my NPSilat again during trainings on Tuesday and Thursday.

So I'm happy with that.

Trying not to think of the physical requirements during trainings, because I have been having #perangaigemok these past few weeks, and I haven't been exercising. So my body's kinda weak.

I'll be wearing my lucky yellow shirt.

For good luck you know.

If you have a bad first day, then probably your week is gonna suck too.

So keeping my hopes up, positive thinking, and smile:)

Oh, I don't think I'll see Mat Tuck tomorrow, but keeping my fingers crossed. 6 weeks baby.

Hopefully I'll get to see Marcia tomorrow during break or something.

So, those starting tomorrow, GOOD LUCK! :D

Sleep.

2011-04-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

It's nearing 3am.

Usually at these times, I'll be sad for no reason.

But these past few days, I felt something different.

It's the same feeling I used to get a long time ago.

I sleep late because I'm scared.

I don't know what I'm scared of.

That's the problem.

I used to get very scared of the window above me.

But then I started listening to music to get me to sleep.

And the window became a soothing thing to look at.

I can stare into it and just dream off.

But nowadays, I'm scared.

I'm scared to look up at the window, I'm scared to look at the closet, I'm scared to look at the mirror.

I'm really tired now. My eyes hurt from this computer screen and it's giving me a headache.

But I'm too scared to sleep.

In the end, I'll sleep at 4am because I know my father's gonna wake up in another half an hour.

And I found a new song to help me sleep.

Heard it on Grey's Anatomy once, but finally knew what song it was when I was looking at SYTYCD videos of Billy Bell. Immediately recognised it. Then I checked out his full routine for the song. His dance was so beautiful, along the music which is already beautiful on its own. So now, I'll just plug in my earphones, put the song on repeat, and imagined Billy Bell dancing.

Whatever helps put me to sleep.

Happy?

2011-04-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday.

My room is still as messy as ever.

Not the 'my room is messy but it's really not' type, it's really messy.

With all the wires and bedsheets on the floor.

I'm gonna put down my bed before school reopens, though.

Figured I'm gonna need something comfy to sleep on once school starts.

I'm feeling happy today.

Well, it's not 3am so I don't know if my mood's gonna change because usually that's my breaking point.

But yesterday, I wanted to cry but I couldn't. It's either I've got no more tears to cry or I'm just not that sad.

So that's good.

I swear this thing only happens during menstruation.

At first, I thought it was just coincidence. But I've learned to put the blame on PMS.

Hell yeah.

One week left.

2011-04-11T05:40:00.001-07:00

I've got one more week left till school starts.

My plans for the week..which most probably won't be carried out, are:

Clean my room.

Do my laundry.

I really want to do my wall of stuff, but I can't cause I don't have the pics yet.

Shop for school stuff- I need new pens and a notebook.

I really want to clean my room, but the problem is, I will only have the mood to do so if I wake up early in the morning feeling awake and fresh.

I woke up at 3pm just now.

So I put it on hold.

If I'm gonna be like this when school reopens, I'm gonna be in dead shit.

Coming back.

2011-04-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

The feeling's here again.

I'm sick of this.

I'm sick of always feeling this.

I'm sad and just feel out of place.

Maybe it's me being stuck at home for 2 weeks now.

I have no life to live, I have no purpose.

I'm just slacking and relaxing and taking a break from school.

It's like hibernation.

I'm constantly sleeping so that when school comes,

and the normal 'wake up at 5, rush everything,sch ends at 4,reach home at 7, sleep at 12' routine.

Say what you want, but it's tiring.

Yes I complain a lot. That's just my way to cope with it.

I have no life. My life is based on the same routine everyday.

I'm okay with that.

But sometimes, especially these PMS times, I'll start to ponder.

What's happening to me?

I'm not living my life like a muslim should be,

and I'm not living my life like a human should be.

I'm just stuck in the middle.

One week left till school starts.

I'm still stuck at home, cause Mom won't allow me to go for silat.

I'm only looking forward to Friday, cause that's when I'm FINALLY out of here.

Seriously?

6 weeks of holiday, and I'm only spending the last day out with my friends?

Pathetic shit I am.

I hate new additions.

2011-04-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This post is a rant about tv shows, more specifically Grey's Anatomy, and the issues I have when watching tv shows.

I hate it when I'm watching a tv show that's been on for a few seasons already and I get attached to the cast and all their relationships.

And then new people have to be added to the show and act as if they own the show.

I don't mind guest stars or whatever not. I mean like you already have this group of people in the show which you have favouritise already. And then for some reason, new castmembers come in. And their characters suddenly are added into this group and they act as if they have been friends with them for such a long time.

Like ok, I'm currently watching Grey's Anatomy.

So obviously new people always have to be added in.

So I've already gotten used to Meredith's group already for what 2-3 seasons.

Then they become residents and needed new interns.

And why does the new people always have to a bitch when they start off?

You don't know anything, just shut the hell up.

So I hated the interns at first, and I finally gotten used to Lexie.

And then there's a freaking merger.

Now I have to get used to Mercy West people, who I'm hating right now.

Because they're being such bitches.

Ya, they're professional doctors, but you don't have to be a bitch when you're entering their hospital. You enter someone's territory, you respect them. Don't matter if you're better than them or not. After you get to know them, then you can become bitches again.

--------------

Maybe this issue I have applies to real life too.

I have problems accepting new people into the group. Probably why I don't have much friends. I like to stay in the same group of people. Is this normal? Tell me this is normal.

I read Virgo tweets and some of the facts are kinda the same:/

----

If you were stubborn and happen to read this nonsense post, I'm sorry for wasting your time.

I just can't stand new addition to the family. Maybe I just hate changes. And I don't want to rant it out on twitter cos this is stupid. So I come to blog it out to the people who cares enough to read this:) Love ya! If I know that you read my blog, then I love you more:D

Man, I have some serious issues.

Random facts about Moi III

2011-04-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

It's raining very heavily and there's thunder and lightning so I'm really scared right now.

So let's continue with random fats about me. I think I stopped at 70 that time.

71) I am really really scared of thunder and lightning.

I'll get all paranoid freak and I won't be able to concentrate on what I'm doing.

72) I love looking out the window when it's raining.

It's peaceful, nice.

73) But I hate heavy rains.

I cannot stand the sound of it. The heavy rain dripping on the walls. Scares me.

74) By now, you should have probably figured out that i am a paranoid freak.

I get scared of everything. I can relate anything to death. ANYTHING.

75) I get jealous easily.

I have never had a bf before so I guess that's good.

76) Never ever make me feel nervous.

Once I get nervous, I'm a wreck. Can't think straight. That's why I try not to know about a lot of things.

77) I like to plan a lot.

Usually, my plan never works. But that doesn't matter. I need to plan out my schedule for the day.

78) I always have these constant thoughts about my father's death.

It's always my Dad, never the rest of the family. Usually happen when I'm praying. Ever since I was a kid. Guess I always worry because my dad's kinda old.

79) I have woke up crying many times before.

Usually, the nightmares are about a family member dying.

80) Obviously I think about death a lot of times.

I had a conversation about death with my mom before. About the best way to die. Tagbox me if you wanna know about it. I'll probably write about it soon. Or never.

81) I really want to make a wall of stuff.

I got time. A lot of time. But no materials. And no ideas.

82) I listen to Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato during PMS season.

I realised this yesterday.

83) My favourite PMS songs: My Immortal by Evanescence and Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.

I'll find something else to listen to but these are the best.

84) I get emotional watching sad shows or movies.

I would cry. I see the actor cry, and I will cry.

85) I love to cry.

Not in front of people, that I'll get embarassed. But I love to make myself cry when something's bothering me. That's why I have fav songs to listen to, so it'll help me cry.

86) The best advice I can give to someone who tells me or tweet that they're sad is to cry it all out.

It really helps. Cry and then go to sleep. The next day, ya you'll feel awful at first. But the pain in the chest has lighten.

87) I get attached to people easily.

Real people, fictitious people, all the same. Once I connect with you, I'll like you and I will never hate you.

88) I love McDonald's hotcakes.

I crave for them everyday.

89) And Double Cheeseburger.

That is the only thing I would eat everytime I go to McD.

90) And I love porridge.

KFC's porridge-the only breakfast meal I have eaten there. Pandan City-the porridge there is nice.

Nice.

2011-04-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

Some people are just naturally nice.

Yeah they get angry and sometimes they swear it out.

But in general, they are nice.

They are loyal to their friends, they care about them.

They would do anything for their family and friends.

And because of that, people naturally like them.

It's just so hard to hate them because they are just nice.

Me.

I am not that person.

I am not a part of those group of people who are naturally nice.

I get jealous of my friends when I'm supposed to be happy for them.

I love my family, but I dislike them too.

I use people.

I hate on people.

I dislike a lot of people for silly/no good reason.

I don't have the best personality in the world.

My manners are just non-existent.

I come across as unfriendly or just plain non-approachable.

I am selfish in so many levels.

But I assure you,

I'm not always like this.

I can be nice. It just takes time and patience.

I'm still learning.

So don't judge me.

Emo kia.

2011-04-06T03:02:00.000-07:00

I need to blog about more happy stuff on here.

Like seriously.

It's so depressing to read my posts.

I shall try harder.

Meanwhile, nothing interesting has happened to me yet.

Even my twitter seem dead.

I want to tweet, but there's nothing to tweet about.

Oh well.

Just a quick update..

Smile people:)

Feelings.

2011-04-04T09:48:00.001-07:00

You know that feeling?

When you just feel so sad, and heartbroken..

It hurts so much..

You can literally feel the pain in the chest, as if someone had just let you down big time

And your head just seem to be so full of thoughts, it hurts just knowing that your brain is so messed up.

And throughout all the pain,

deep down..

You don't actually know what's wrong.

You don't know what's bothering you so much.

You don't know why these feelings appear.

But you know.

You know that you want to be alone.

You know that you need some time.

You know that you need to tell at least one person.

You know you won't know what to say.

But that doesn't matter, because the feelings get too unbearable

for you to keep it all inside.

You know

You just need that one person who can tell you and make you believe that everything will turn out right.

So all that I can hear..is a simple song~

Whatever.

2011-04-04T04:33:00.000-07:00

Too much free time in my hands.

Too much bad things coming into my head.

Can't seem to think right anymore.

Always pissed with everything.

People around me are happy.

And I'm here, feeling cranky and angry and sad all the time.

What's wrong?

IVP (II)

2011-04-03T08:57:00.001-07:00

IVP has ended.

I can assure you, everyone is just so pure awesomely proud of each other, winners or non-winners, competitors or supporters.

Everyone put their heart and soul into this competition.
No matter what the result, don't let it get to ourminds too much because even though we lost, we lost with pride.
We had fun supporting each other, we had fun cheering, wehad fun competing.
The results are not the end of the world.
Winning or losing doesn't determine how great we are, it's our attitude after that that can prove how great we are.

Gonna keep it short and sweet.
#NPSilat Forever Awesome.

"Whatever it is, I want you."

HAHAHAHA! Farah, that's my shoutout to you hahahaha!

Missing Secondary School Days.

2011-03-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

Was looking at Joel's fb wall because he fake-birthday-ed today.

April Fools' Joke I guess?

Then it hits me.

The sudden realisation of what I missed so much from secondary school.

Somehow 3/6 and 4/6 were the best years of my life.

Because we were one class.

We laughed together, cried together.

There were a lot of love going around in the class.

No one was left out. Well, almost no one.

Even though we were taking the O levels that year, you can't really sense the stress or the tension in our class, cause it was always so high and merry.

Which brings me to my poly life.

I have great friends.

The clique is there for sure.

But we have no class.

Our classes changes every semester.

Me being the outcast of course, needs more than a semester to make friends.

Classmates, of course we are. Close friends, absolutely not.

And the tension in the room..you can feel it.

Especially in an Accountancy class.

where everyone just seems to be so freaking smart.

I don't know if they are, but it feels like everyone is freaking smart.

And exams..oh my god.

Never felt so stressed over exams before.

So I think I know what I missed from secondary school already.

Random facts about Moi II

2011-03-30T09:55:00.001-07:00

Can I write another 40?

41) The perfect Birthday gifts: Tickets to see JB, MC, The Strokes, Mumford & Sons, or Arsenal.

I will probably have to wait an eternity to get these but everyone has dreams, right?

42) I actually have 3 tumblrs.

I have no life. Heh. I concentrate on epicrainbow, the other 2 are actually experiments to something random I wanted to see.

43) As much as I love my hair short, it does not look good short.

It's wavy so when it's short, the waves kinda looks ugly.

44) Every boy I have ever like, tends to get into a relationship RIGHT AFTER I finally admit to myself that I liked him.

Curses. Yes, from my very first crush till now. So far though, only Mat Tuck have remained single. Well, I think he's single.

So you see why I have a lot of crushes.

45) I love sleeping on the floor.

Right now, I still refuse to put down my bed.

46) I tend to overthink the littlest of things that people comment about me.

I can accept them, but for the next few days, I'll be replaying what you said in my mind over and over again.

47) I have a problem talking to boys.

It's awkward. So I was very surprised actually when I had a conversation with Ezzuan that Dinamis day, even though I've known him for like what..3 years? 5, if you consider being in the same malay class together..

48) I have a problem talking.

I will finally admit that I stutter. Nothing serious. But I do stutter.

One of the reasons why I cannot do public talking.

49) No matter how close I am with the audience, I cannot for the life of me, talk intellectually in front of them, in other words, PUBLIC TALKING.

Even if all of them are my best friends.

50) I am a lazy fat ass pig.

I eat a lot, and I hate doing physical work, which means chores.

51) I really don't know why I join Silat, when I actually hate doing sports.

Hmm..I'll say it's fun, but I hate being tired.

52) I hate love songs.

Just because it will never apply to me. But if it's catchy, I'll like it for the tune.

53) I have no idea how to use Photoshop.

I really need to learn it..

54) I love that time when I changed my blogskin, twitter page, tumblr theme, display pictures.

It's a happy time for me.

55) I really really love looking at the clouds.

Favourite pastime.

56) And love looking at the nightsky when there's a lot of stars.

I will go back to when I was at Australia. Nicest nightsky I've ever seen.

57) I love taking pictures of the sunset.

Now if only I have a proper camera.

58) I have two left feet.

Because you know, I have the most awkward body ever.

59) I wish I can dance so I can join those dance crews.

Been watching ABDC, and they're so cool.

60) I love August babies.

Especially if they're one my fav celebrities.

61) I recently have a thing for guys with bangs.

Not the bieber type..like the few strands of hair type, like Julian Casablancas or Chace Crawford

type..

62) I really do not look forward to the start of school.

Like really, even the thought of meeting my friends are not helping me change my mind.

63) I love my blog.

It will never go out of date to me. Sometimes, it'll be dead but I'll find time to revive it.

64) I am addicted to Twitter.

I've been tweeting less nowadays but without it, my life would be a lot different than this.

65) I love watching live performances.

When I check out a new band or singer, I'll go for their live performances first cause that's where they're doing their thing. I'll judge whether they're musicians or not then. Exceptions are for JB and MC only.

66) I am really close to my little brother.

He's the one I tell everything to, even though 90% of the time, he'll shut me off.

67) I admire my older brother.

I look up to him a lot really. A lot of what I've been doing now is influenced by him.

68) I am the odd one out in the family.

The one with the least experience in anything. The hopeless one, you can say. Though I'm the one who's supposed to go to University. Just cause I've the most discipline in education. Not smart, but when it comes to studies I take it quite seriously.

69) I really want to win something in silat.

Just to prove to myself that I'm good in something.

70) I really want to go overseas for hands-on work.

Should probably open my eyes in school for any new trips.

Well, that's it.

30 facts for now.

I don't want to think anymore.

bYe.

Saw it again.

2011-03-30T08:52:00.001-07:00

I want to stay away from facebook.

But it seems to be the first page I would go to everyday.

I don't do anything there.

Well, it's just for stalking really.

I really don't get why I'm still stalking people when 100% of the time, I'll see things that I would prefer not to see.

Some things are better not knowing, you know.

Fuck it.

2011-03-30T00:34:00.001-07:00

You know what I've been doing?

Heck, you don't know HALF of what I've been doing.

I keep saying this.

I respect you a lot.

Really. From the bottom of my heart.

That's why I have never argued with you.

I have never fought with you.

All those arguments? Those are always one-sided because I refuse to talk back at you.

What'd they say? When you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all.

That was the last straw.

You barging into my room, taking my laptop to see what I've been doing here.

You BARGED in.

Yes you're my mother.

Yes you have the right to know.

But you can't just barged in to see what I'm doing on my laptop.

It's not the home computer, WHICH IS FREAKING SPOILED.

It's MY laptop.

You ground me at home.

What the hell am I suppose to do?

I have no desire to clean my room or the toilet.

It'll just get dirty the next day.

I'll do it when I want to.

You just invaded the little freedom I have in this house.

And throughout all this, I remained quiet.

Fuck it.

I'm not a freaking robot.

A lot.

2011-03-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

Recently, my mind have been so full of A LOT of things.

It comes and go.

But I constantly need distractions so that I won't think about it.

As much as this blog is very personal, and that I almost write out everything about my thoughts,

some of my thoughts are better not written here.

And that move will probably cost my sanity.

Sometimes, I get distracted from my distractions.

So it's like mindfucked.

The disturbing thought comes into my head.

So I tried to distract it.

But then, I'll get distracted from doing that.

It's bad.

Personal problems are already bad for me.

-My confidence level, the belief for myself

Family problems comes and go

-Unsupportive, lack of shown love

But now, those little things that are happening to me seem to take a big effect on my head and it's creating a huge impact in my life.

I keep replaying it over and over my head.

Till I believe in it so much.

That I'll just get sad and heartbroken over something that isn't real.

And I can't tell anyone about this.

Because I myself am embarrassed for having such feelings over such little incidents.

If I can't admit it out loud, then that'll just prove that I'm not ready to tell the world about it.

Something.

2011-03-28T00:49:00.000-07:00

Yepp.

There's something going on there.

Confirmed.

No worries, I'll take it with a smile.

Like I always do.

Everytime these things happened.

Because there's not much I can do anyways.

Hmm.

Damn my keen eye and super good investigative skills.

HHAAHAHAAH.

Ok. Hmm.

IVP (I)

2011-03-27T19:06:00.001-07:00

Heh, so I lost.

Hmm.. Kinda expected isn't it?
That girl somewhat has the same gameplan as me, and managed to execute it better than me.
Punch like crazy.
I want to tojang , but kept missing.

Anyways, NPSilat did a great job!
Especially the boys:)
Khairi and Erian was like on fire.
Such intense games..

I haven't eaten any proper meal yesterday.
So I'm gonna eat now.
Bye.

Oh and I found out soneone from silat reads my blog too. There goes my all my secrets..HAHA!
Kidding kidding, welcome to my blog!

FREAKING OUT.

2011-03-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD, I AM SCARED SHITLESS.

I WAS CONFIDENT ON THURSDAY.

BUT WHEN THEY SAID, WE'LL BE FIGHTING ON SUNDAY, I JUST FREAKED OUT.

YES, I WAS MENTALLY PREPARED.

MENTALLY PREPARED TO FIGHT NEXT WEEK.

NOT TOMORROW.

AND THE FACT THAT TWITTER SEEMS DEAD RIGHT NOW, IT'S FREAKING ME OUT MORE.

I DIDN'T GET THE FIXTURES EMAIL, AND I DID NOT BOTHER TO ASK FOR IT COS I THINK I'LL BE EVEN MORE FREAKED OUT IF I SEE IT TODAY.

I SHALL ASK FOR IT TOMORROW.

I HOPE KAK SHIRIN REMEMBERED TO BRING MY JACKET.

I DIDN'T REALISED I DIDN'T HAVE HER NUMBER, AND THE FACT THAT I CAN'T REMIND HER, FREAKS ME OUT AS WELL.

AND I'M FREAKING OUT ABOUT MY WEIGHT!

HOPEFULLY IT'S NOT TOO LOW..

AND MY LEG'S NOT FULLY HEALED.

AND MY KNUCKLE IS STILL SENSITIVE.

OH GOSH, I'M GOING CRAZY ABOUT THIS.

PRAY PRAY PRAY.

Ali Baba Blah Blah Blah

2011-03-25T23:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night, Ezzuan and I went to Np to watch our dear Hanis and Nadiah perform in the MCC school production, Ali Baba Blah Blah Blah.

I will skip out the selenge moments for me and Ezzuan in the taxi. That is better left forgotten.

So, REVIEW.

Seeing as I'm not really into malay productions and Singapore malay humor, I wasn't really expecting much at first.

But the whole production turned out really well, actually.

It was funny from the start to finish.

From the moment I entered, the dialogue was funny.

I just didn't get the intrusion of comments by that singer guy..so tak perlu I think.

"Inikah kentang?" ...that will forever be an inside joke.

And the sound effects were really funny cause it kinda exaggerate the stuff a bit, and sometimes, it's just tak perlu, tapi kelakar.

Everything went well, from the audience's point of view. I mean, it looked like it was going on smoothly and there's not really obvious mistakes of whatever seen.

But I really didn't get the "Cut, cut, cut!" part by that singer guy.

It was going smoothly until he intruded and told that Apek to change mike or smth.

I mean, first, his mike was already ok.

And if it's a part of the whole show, I didn't get it.

But otherwise it was funny.

Top characters:

the Apek guy - his actions are just so funny, especially the part where he first saw the dead body.

Ali Baba - he's just cute..the dancing, the side comments/muttering..

Kassim Baba - I don't know if it's just me, but the way he walked was funny..oh and his own language that part..

The fact that the Chief entered on a scooter, that was hilarious.

Ok, so to sum it all up, the production was hilarious.

Didn't expect me to laugh so much at malay comedy, but I did.

The acting was fabulous, no awkwardness or those non-expressions that Suria actors tend to have.

The whole arrangement was beautiful, like how the songs and dance all come together..

I can really see the Dikir Barat, Malay Dance and Drama people coming together and learning the different elements of the production.

I saw a little Silat at the start, the part where Hanis and that other girl did that thing.

Nak rating?

Rating: 9/10

I need your restu.

2011-03-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

As much as I want to write a review about the MCC theatre production right now, there's something that came in the way that I just can't keep inside of me.

As much as I want to rant about it on twitter, I really don't want to spam my followers' timeline with my problems.

My competition is Sunday.

I am fighting this Sunday, I think that is confirmed.

I reached home at 1am today.

Which means Abah was waiting for me for a long time.

And Ummi was pissed.

I am sorry. Really.

I mean, how many times have I ever come home this late? NEVER.

I was expecting her to scold me.

But her words just now was just harsh. And lack of love and support.

All I want is for her to say "Good Luck"

even if she doesn't mean it.

She knows how hard I've worked to get this far.

I've defied her interests and went to all my trainings.

I tried my best in all trainings, even when I was sick.

I practised till I kept getting comments that my face has turned pale.

I lost weight, for God's sake, withing a week.

And yet,

she still cannot understand the definition of "Commitment"

She scolded me for always going trainings, for not saying no to that.

She compared me to my older brother, who doesn't seem to commit to any CCA in his time.

She threatened to complain to Kak Shirin.

She grounded me from going out after the competition.

1) This is the first time I've ever reached home this late.

2) Today was the first time I saw my friends in like, one month plus.

3) All this time I wasted money to enter Spore, it wasn't for fun. Yes, it was fun, but it was for my commitment for what I'm interested in right now.

4) Clearly, you don't have any interests that would make you want to commit like this.

5) Brother IS committed to climbing. That's why most of the time he wasn't at home.

6) You can't complain to Kak Shirin. She's not the President anymore, and she does not care about this kind of thing, and it would just be embarassing to complain to her about this.

7) I really don't want to say this but if you were my friend, I would have cursed at you. But you're my mother. I respect you. I know where I stand.

It's just that sometimes, you just don't understand.

Yeah, it bloody well hurts.

But it's a challenge that I like to take on.

I really need your blessings for this competition.

I can't do it without your prayers. And I can't do it if you don't believe in me.

I believe in myself.

I believe that the team believes in me.

I believe my friends believe in me.

But, I don't believe that you believe in me.

And I just want that.

Semester 2 Exams.

2011-03-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

MODULE	CREDIT UNIT	GRADE	ATTEMPT	REMARKS
BUSINESS COMMUNICATION 1	4.00	B	1
BUSINESS STATISTICS	4.00	B	1
FUNDAMENTALS OF FINANCIAL ACCOUNTING	4.00	B+	1
IDEA JUMPSTART	2.00	B	1
IT IN BUSINESS	4.00	B	1
MICROECONOMICS	4.00	C	1
SPORTS AND WELLNESS	2.00	PM

GPA: 2.9130

My GPA dropped.

But I'm happy with my grades.

At least this time I only got one C:)

And my FFA! From a C to a freaking B+ !

Alhamdulillah:)

"Your leg ok tak?"

2011-03-24T09:26:00.001-07:00

I vomitted just now.
Hmm.
Hate it when I'm weak.

But towards the end, the training was alright.
And the jokes and laughter at the end, that was awesome.

I hurt my left leg though. My knee's already havin problems. But I twisted my foot. Minor, I think. I don't really know where it hirts, it just come and go.

The sweetest part, was when he asked me if my leg's ok.
Ok ya, it's normal..everyone asked me if my leg's ok.
But you know, the simplest gesture by someone you like can make your day, right?

Ok. Goodnight:)

Random facts About Moi

2011-03-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

Hey Hey Hey!

It's my 365th post!

Finally reached a year in Blog time.

To celebrate, and also because I'm bored and can't sleep, I'll just write a few random facts about ME. After all, this blog is all about me. I'm just gonna write as many stuff about me that happens to pop out in my mind right now.

1) I really love Arsenal, as much as they annoy me every week.

Seriously, they're like the most entertaining club ever. Makes you sad, happy, angry..etc.

2) I have been a fan of the Jonas Brothers for 5 years and counting now.

As much as I want to hate them, I love them with all my heart.

3) Which means I love Miley Cyrus too.

Say what you want about her, she's awesome.

4) As much as I love my Disney stars, I am a big fan of Indie Rock.

Disney is my guilty pleasure. Indie Rock is, for me, the real music to my ears.

5) As my previous post mentioned, I love The Strokes.

What more can I say?

6) I have this huge thing about guys with curly hair and dimples.

In a group of guys, I will always fall for the one with curly hair and dimples, no matter how hot the others are.

7) I also like to smell stuff.

So guys with good smell catches my attention.

8) I cannot stand grammar mistakes.

I do sometimes make them, but if I see people tweeting something with really really bad grammar, I'll just get pissed.

9) I am claustrophobic.

You don't know that about me, do you? Heh..seriously, I cannot be in a closed room for a long time..elevator, my room, the toilet..the door must always be open a teeny weeny bit..I WILL freak.

10) I can cook.

The only reason I chose not to is because I am scared of the sizzling oil.

11) I have the most awkward body ever.

I am not comfortable with my body, insecurity maybe? But I get comments now and then about my very awkward postures.

12) I cannot for the life of me keep my room tidy.

Tried a million times..after 2 weeks, it'll all be messy again.

13) But I have a thing about my stuff being totally arranged properly.

Like it has to be in order, evenly, alligned, properly categorised..

14) I still bite my nails.

15) I love digging through my nails and the skin around the nails.

It's a nice feeling.

16) I am a paranoid freak.

I am scared of everything.

17) As much as I act cool on the outside, I worry a lot.

18) I am actually very good at acting...or hiding my feelings, to be more specific.

You can't tell whether I like this boy or not, don't you? No one can tell whether I'm in pain or not.

The purpose of this blog comes in here.

19) I actually don't like Selena Gomez because I'm a Niley fan.

Yep, immature but that was when I was 14/15, and it's kinda hard to change my mind after that long a time..I'm pretty sure I will love her if she didn't date Nick after Miley..

20) I hate smokers.

Wait, I hate people smoking NEAR me. You wanna smoke, go ahead, I don't mind, it's your life.

Just don't smoke when you're with me.

21) I think drummers are the coolest people ever.

Guitarists are hot but drummers are just cool.

22) Erm..I've never had a boyfriend ever.

Is that random enough? It doesn't bother me that much..just sometimes, when Mr P comes and I feel all sensitive and lonely and depressed..

23) I still miss my Marsiling home.

It's where I've been living all my life, can't expect me to forget the memories I had there..

24) I HATE my primary school days.

I love my friends, don't get me wrong. I just have a lot of issues then. Bullying.

25) I have gone through depression.

Not the "I'm so depressed shit". Like the real deal. " I wanna quit school" " I want to kill myself"

26) Yes, I've thought of suicide.

You don't know that too, do you? Last year if I'm not wrong. But my faith in Allah helped me through. And my awesome friends.

27) I think I'm open-minded.

At the most times..I think. I'm not sure. I mean I accept people for their differences, I don't judge them..unless they did something to me which makes me judge them.

28) I can forgive, but seriously I will never forget.

I can not forget the mean things people did to me. I still remember what my pri sch classmates said about me, for god's sake, and it's not even told straight to my face.

29) Google is my best friend.

Without it, my iPod will be gone, my laptop will be gone..seriously. I'm not tech-savvy but thank god, I 'm good at googling.

30) I really like how my hair curls.

It's not typical, but it's kinda nice. Though sometimes it's just annoying.

31) I don't really want to be an accountant.

It's a cool job and all, but it's not really a "live-your-life" job is it?

32) I have an interest in writing and anthropology.

Though I know nothing about it, I just think it's a cool job.

33) I didn't really want to join Silat.

I remember freaking out about it. And now, I'm fighting in my very first competition. And still freaking out.

34) My facebook status right now are all song quotes.

They tell me what I'm feeling at the moment so, go configure it yourself.

35) I have only smiled while listening to a song 3 times.

The genuine smile. The one that makes you so very happy.

"Young Blood" by The Naked and Famous.

"In Transit" by Albert Hammond Jr.

"Lovebug" by Jonas Brothers.

36) I really want a boy to sing Lovebug to me.

I know there's other more romantic songs, but that song really makes me smile.

37) I really love British boys.

One Direction, Mumford & Sons, Charlie McDonell, etc..I can't think of anyone else right now.

38) I have a lot of thinking in my head.

When I'm not talking, I am dreaming of something random in my mind. So a lot of times, I tend to zone out.

39) I have like a minor Asperger's Syndrome thingy going on..

I go through life in routines, I need to expect things to happen and plan out what to do, if not I'll just go crazy.

40) I am the most UNindependent bitch you will ever meet.

I have no backbone of myself, I need someone there beside me always and I tend to copy people's actions a lot. Creepy but yeah..

It's nearing 3AM now. I think I should end the random facts about me here.

Shall I continue next time? This is a really long post.

I bet no one will read it all. Probably stop halfway.

LOL.

Life.

2011-03-23T00:58:00.000-07:00

So yesterday's training was awful.

God knows how breathless I was.

I mean, ya it was productive.

And I realised again how tiring matches are.

You know sometimes I forgot that 2 minutes into the game can be so so tiring, what more 6 minutes.

So to have that practice during training, it really opened up my eyes.

But at the same time, I'm scared that I'll be so exhausted, that my stamina will get the best of me.

Kak Shirin told me not to lose my confidence just yet.

Yeap, I got beaten down bad.

See, I know where all my problems are but I just can't seem to figure out how to fix it.

I seem to lose balance a lot, can't resist.

And I'm in the lower range of my weight class, so that's a risk cos people seem to be able to carry me so easily. And I can't carry them for nuts.

And yesterday, I don't know if it's my stamina, or if it was because my vest was too tight.

But I could not breathe!

Worst feeling ever.

And I lost weight. A lot of weight.

Last Sunday I was nearing 53kg.

This week? 50kg.

I've not been eating right I guess.

Sigh.

Hopefully, tomorrow turns out well.

Last training before ze competition.

Oh the competition's brought forward to Sunday instead of Saturday..

I don't know if that's good news or bad news.

Meanwhile, Friday I'm gonna catch Hanis and Nadiah on their school production thingy.

Ali Baba Blah Blah Blah..

I think that's what it's called.

Albert Hammond Jr.

2011-03-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

My current Jam!!

The Strokes!

And Albert Hammond Jr!

I've been listening to The Strokes since I was erm..still in primary school, I think.

The time when I used to sneak into my brother's playlist and listen to his songs.

And immediately fell in love with Is This It and Hard To Explain.

Then the rave died down a bit.

And I started listening to them again last year.

Which means I've missed out on 2 other albums of theirs.

And the solo projects that the members did.

BUT, I'm listening to them again.

And I gotta say, I have to thank Miley Cyrus for this.

Cause I got reminded of them when they performed on SNL, with MC as the host.

Just in time too. Since their new album's coming out.

Well, I've already have the songs on my iPod.

I thought of buying it, but I doubt Spore will sell it any time soon.

And I'm in love with Albert Hammond Jr.

Their guitarist.

Who happens to have curly hair..fro.

If you know me well enough, you'll know I always go for the curly-haired dude in the band.

Typical rockstars.

Drink, smoke, do drugs.

I'm guessing they're more sober these days since 2 of them got married.

And my Albert went to rehab..

The band that made me want to learn how to play the bass guitar.

LOL- Lots of Love<3

Music.

2011-03-21T02:53:00.000-07:00

The one day when I just want to escape the world, and just to relax, is the day that you manage to find every single one of my faults at home.

Yes, my room is messy/dirty/unkempt.

There is a reason why I don't bother cleaning it up.

Because, one day after I clean it up, it'll be back to the same messy room again.

I don't know how to keep my things organised like you want me to.

Yes, nowadays, I keep plugging my ears and blasting songs on it.

There is a reason why I listen to music.

So it can drown out all my worries and thoughts.

It IS my way to escape reality for a while and just dream of the good things I will never be able to achieve in life.

I listened to music to help me sleep because I'm scared.

Terrified.

Of the dark. Of the utter silence at 2 o'clock in the morning when I'm still awake.

Of the loneliness. Of the competition.

You don't know how I feel.

Because I refuse to show you what I'm feeling inside.

I put up such a strong and monotonous front so that people won't be able to know how scared I am in life.

So ya, music is important.

Yes, it's a distraction. It'll make me forget the world.

In which case it'll become a sin.

I know that. I know what's halal and what's haraam in life.

But you know, sometimes, life is just too unbearable for you to handle.

And all you wanna do is lie down, and blast some songs in your head, in hopes that you'll forget about your problems and worries, even if it's just for a few minutes.

You think I've slept well everyday?

Well clearly I'm not, seeing how I keep yawning and yawning in the middle of the day.

I wake up late, because I don't sleep well.

And so that's where the music will come in.

Don't judge me.

And before you jump to conclusions. this is not me emo-ing.

I'm just writing what's in my mind while my mom was scolding me just now.

I don't argue with my Mom.

That's just wrong.

I just like to keep silent.

And then write my arguments down on my blog.

Sunday:)

2011-03-20T08:45:00.001-07:00

Jajajajaja.

Great Sunday with family.
Missed my siblings a lot.
So it was nice to have everyone back home.

Played in the rain, practised some moves on lil bro.
Everyone had a haircut.
Watched hilarious youtube videos.
Sis did henna on me.
Very belo Sis today. Funny.

Oh and i-Shop.
Have to go there again! They got EVERYTHING!
Toys, watches, jewelry, make-up, lingerie!

I love today.
Kept my mind off things a bit.
:)

Own little world.

2011-03-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

Something happened today. Twice.

First:

I was waiting for Isyak.

Ummi wanted to give me instructions on something.

She thought that I was just staring into blank space I think.

So when she called out,"Iya..", I literally jumped out.

I looked at my lil bro and then my mom and they were both laughing.

Then Ummi said, something along these lines,

"Why does it seem like you are always thinking of something?

You're always in your own little world. Like as if there's so much to think about"

I just shrugged it off and told them I was thinking of silat.

Honestly I can't remember what I was thinking of.

Then just now while watching the game, my lil bro said I was belo.

Because I can't seem to remember important events in Arsenal.

I shrugged it off again, saying my memory's real bad.

Then he said,

"You seemed to have a lot of thoughts inside your head.

Like you're always dreaming of something, or thinking about a lot of things"

Get the idea?

So now I'm reflecting.

Is it really obvious that I have my own little world?

I know my mind's always making up stuff, that's why I get mentally tired real easy.

That is also why I created a blog.

But I never knew people could see that from me.

I guess that's why I'm always quiet,huh.

Unsupportive.

2011-03-19T01:14:00.000-07:00

So, I'm stuck at home today.

There is training today, actually.

But my mom told me I can't go.

Then she told me I can go, but then I can't go on Tuesday's training.

????

I know she disapproves of me going for trainings every Tuesday and Thurday.

She always questioned me about my trainings and I know if she could, she would want me to stay at home during my holidays.

I don't know if it's about the cab fares or it's just because she likes me to stay at home.

I keep telling her about my competition this week, and I got nothing from her.

For once, I would like her to at least ask something about my silat.

Like show a little bit of interest in my life.

I'm not asking a lot am I?

I mean, I'm not asking her to snoop around in my life and know everything about me, cos I don't want that either.

I just want her to at least show me that she cares.

Is that so hard?

Another Silat post.

2011-03-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

Today(or yesterday, technically), I had a lot of fun during training.

Tiring as it was, hey, eyecandies are there to entertain you.

After the warm-up thingy, and the visualisation thing which I suck at, we did the rotation cycle thingy.

Which means we had to fight against the guys also.

At first, I wasn't into it that much.

But then, cari chance ah.

Dapat one-on-one moment with E and Z.

Mostly E.

I fought him 2 times, i think.

Could have been 3 times, but it's not meant to be.

Lol. What crap am I talking?

Anyways, yeah, I cannot stop looking at him.

Help please.

Oh, and I accidentally kissed Khairi's wet hands.

Eww.

All the sweat. Blegh.

Oh, me and Ama are just not meant to be.

Everyone I fought with, managed to hit on my vest without hitting my arms.

But she always kicked my arms. Lenguh sey.

Vice versa with her.

And I got unlucky.

One hit my thighs. Which wasn't painful, but everyone insisted that I sprayed it.

Apparently, it looked and sounded painful. But I cannot feel anything, though.

Then, I got kicked on my collarbone.

It's red and bruised now. That was painful.

But of course, when I get injured, I tend to smile and say it's ok.

Cause really, it's not that bad.

9 MORE DAYS.

2011-03-16T10:35:00.000-07:00

I've been blogging a lot about silat lately.

Forgive me, but this is gonna be another Silat-related post yet again.

9 MORE DAYS TILL IVP.

It's the first thing that will come into my mind when I wake up.

And it's the last thing in my mind when I want to head for bed.

Which ended up in me having a hard time to sleep.

I lack in techniques, that's for sure.

Confidence? Hmm.

It's a competition, of course I'm scared.

The last competition I took part in, we got 4th place and I cried like shit.

I don't want that feeling again.

Although this is a bit more different.

2 weeks of training.

Less than a year of learning.

No experience at all.

I'm gonna give it my all.

I don't know who's my opponent so maybe I'll fight against someone who have loads more experience than me.

But I'm gonna give it my all.

Just keep praying.

And I'll wear my yellow shirt.

SCARED & NERVOUS.

2011-03-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

My mind is tired.

Tired from thinking about IVP everyday.

Seriously, it's taking a toll on me.

Physically and mentally.

The negativity is still there.

As hard as I try to push it away, it's still there.

"I'm not good enough"

"You're just there to fill the space"

"What the hell am I even doing here?"

It's all kind of rubbish.

Every second that thoughts will enter my head.

And every single time, I'll just try to remember what Syazwan said during the debrief.

"I believe in you guys"

"You guys are here, not because we want to fill the space, but because you have the potential"

"You deserve to be here, on the team"

Our President have a lot of wisdom words. I like.

Keeps me from losing my mind due to low self-confidence.

Sometimes, I do feel like I'm the odd one out in the team, like it's just not right that I'm there when everyone else is just so much better than I am.

I said it before, I have the most awkward body ever.

I feel weird doing everything, even my pasang kuda I will still feel weird when I've supposedly done it almost everyday.

Personal problems and insecurities doesn't help too.

Exactly the reason why I cried yesterday night.

It was the first time my eyes became swollen up like that.

And it was still swollen when I woke up.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

I want to tell someone, but again, my insecurities start acting up and I told myself that no one would care.

Clearly my family doesn't believe that I'm any good for the competition and that I should just give up cause I can't fight.

My friends have enough problems for me to load in any more.

But you know, I just want to talk to my family about these type of things.

And they're not interested at all, it seems.

I seriously lack of love in my life.

Feelings.

2011-03-13T04:15:00.000-07:00

If you are from NPSilat, please do not read this.

Heh, step ade orang nak bace jer. I post a link on my twitter but then one also..nvm.

So, Erian is cute.

Heh.

Always thought he was cute since the first time I saw him at the STA friendly.

Then he joined. But I never really thought of him.

But then at the camp, you know ah boring right, no eye-candy.

So target a few guys ah, ape lagi..haha..

He's just so good at everything, so that's my motivation right there.

Cute and awesome.

And tall. 1.8m and he's our age.

And his smile! Aww, like really so cute!

So, when I'm trying to push myself more, I'll just pretend he's there and that I need to match up to his standard.

Of course, I'm not his standard.

I have the most awkward body in the world.

I need to be comfortable with my body so that I can learn new stuff, seriously.

Then there's Zaqy. I don't know how to spell his name lah.

Zaqy ke Zaki..

You know why I like him?

Curly hair, dimples!!!

He's short but so what? Cute.

Fought with him just now. Heh.

Actually I was with Erian but he's too far of my weight range so switched to Zaqy.

Haha, I was so happy inside when I was standing in front of E. But then I realised he's awesome.

So I was like mampos.

Actually Z also good. I mean like, ade perguruan la seyy.

Sooo..

I got my Mat Tuck lah!

HAHA, I seriously totally forgot about him man.

I try not to have crushes with silat people, so these are not crushes!

I'm just saying they're cute.

Whatever makes me happy kan?

Yeah, haven't been myself these past few days.

I'm just not in the mood to talk with anyone recently.

Back From ICT.

2011-03-13T03:57:00.000-07:00

HELLO! :D

Just got back home from ICT!

Tired, body's aching, mentally and physically exhausted.

First day:

---4KM run to Bukit Timah Nature Reserve.

Didn't knew it was 4 km until we reached the place.

So I was really proud that we all managed to complete it.

---Training with STA

First time training with them. Shit ass, it was TOUGH.

Maybe it's because I wasn't feeling too well cos of the sambal from lunch.

But the tough part was the warm-up..omg, I just wanted to cry man.

Second day:

---Morning jog at stadium.

3 rounds at normal pacing. 2 rounds of jog and stride.

I can't sprint for nuts so that was hard for me.

---Gym

Went to the one at the clubhouse. It's not so tiring but it uses all your muscles so the aches were present. But the girls was a lot of fun so in the end, we were laughing most of the time. Especially the "Amboi, Amboi, Amboi" part. That will never get old seriously.

---Anaerobic Training

At the stadium. First we jog 1 round.

Then we had to run 1 round within 1min40sec.

We had to do 2 sets. So my first set was 5 secs late.

By then, my calves were aching so bad, so for the second set, I was 20 sec late.

I really felt like giving up and just start walking but there are some reasons why I pushed on.

Then we had to do knee-lift sprints. Tiring but funny. Cause the way we run was so awkward.

After that, we did steps. Climb up the stadium steps. My legs are too short so by thend of the steps , I cannot stretch it anymore.

---Skill Training.

Abang Fili took us. Learn some new techniques. Worked on my techniques.

Third day aka LAST day:

---Skill Training

Worked on Nike technique and Sapuan and sidekicks.

I cannot do Nike for the death of me.

Kene comment, kene personally taught by Abang Fili 2-3 times, kene taught by Khai.

But I just cannot get the hang of it.

I agree it's a VERY useful techinque, but I just can't do it.

My sapuan I think can but I just need a really quick reaction. I tend to sapu when the leg already hits me so I fell so it's no use.

My defensive attack are quite bad also. So I need to work on that.

SO that's the programme..

Before the Camp.

2011-03-09T23:17:00.000-08:00

So...

Tomorrow is the camp.

ICT.

In Camp Training.

I think that's what it stands for.

I just know it's INTENSIVE.

Been trying to prepare myself mentally.

It's been a while since I last worked out, so my body's definitely not fit.

Physical training isn't really my most favourite thing to do.

Especially if you're among some fit people.

In a way, they will push me harder but in another way, my confidence level will drop.

And three straight days of intense workout, with the coaches being harsh, I think I will cry in this camp.

Reminds me of Advanced NCO camp somehow..you know that feeling.

I hate to be seen weak in front of others so I put up the best front I've got.

Seriously, I'm not looking forward to this camp at all.

Just get it over and done with and pray to God time will pass by very fast.

I just hope by the end of the camp, I'll at least achieve one of these:

- Physically more stronger

- Mentally more prepared

- Tougher as in 'stop being so gentle with everything'

- More stable

- Improve on my techniques

So that's my goals for the camp.

I'll try hard, but I can't promise I won't break down or anything.

Especially since I think my period will come this weekend so ya know, PMS.

So see ya in 3 more days.

PRAY FOR ME.

Random.

2011-03-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

I have never thought I would ever experience this.

I have thought up a story plot based on this but never put myself in that position.

Well, at least we're become good friends now.

Sure it's hard sometimes when you think about it.

I've always liked him.

But I have never told anyone.

First, because I was embarrassed.

Second, because turns out one of my best friends liked him too at that time.

I couldn't possibly tell her that I liked him too.

Especially since there was more chance of her getting him than me.

I've never even talked to him before yet alone know him at all.

Whereas she put herself in front and made friends with him.

But now, the situation's change.

He is in a relationship with someone else I know, who have recently become one of my very good friends.

I'm happy for her still, because he is a good guy I guess.

Again, leading to the point just now where I said I did not know him.

And hearing her talk about him sometimes hurt a teeny weeny bit, but it's kinda fun actually.

I don't know, I've always liked hearing stories from my friends' relationship, especially if I happen to know who's the guy in the relationship.

Whether it's the good and happy stories or the heartache and frustrating ones.

It's interesting, especially since I find myself being a total nun in the near future.

Like cmon dude, I can't even talk to a guy properly.

But listening to their stories does not mean I actually like giving them advice.

I mean, I've been single all my life so if you're expecting a good advice from me, that's bullshit.

I only say what I've observed in people and in shows/movies.

I have no experience at all, so my perspective is really, actually most of the time inaccurate.

Soccer.

2011-03-08T13:48:00.000-08:00

I've decided on something.

I'm gonna TRY to tweet less during matches, except if there's any outrageous stuff that happened during the match.

And so, because of that I'm gonna share my thoughts of the match here on my blog because I cannot simply keep quiet about soccer matches.

So: ARSENAL VS BARCELONA.

Messy and just depressing to watch.

It started off well.

I mean sure, we didn't have any goal attempts but we defended well.

Djorou was just brilliant in the first half!

The horrow began when Schezny had to be substituted with Almunia.

Then it just went downhill a bit.

Diaby was just pure dumbassshit. Yep, we can sure count on him to lose the ball.

Fabregas, my dear Cesc Fabregas...He was just erm..non-existent.

He was not his usual self, he was playing crappy, AND he did a very very VERY stupid mistake which cost us Barca's first goal.

Immediately tweet rants began, asking him to wear the Barca shirt already.

As much as I love him and hate to hate him, he was really not playing superbly like we wanted him to.

Wilshere and Nasri was great too..I think along with Djorou and Sagna they're the ones that played really well. But without the others, even the best will crumble.

Our goal was an own goal. So..erm, it didn't matter to me during the match but now..erm. Pathetic.

We got like what? 2 goal attempts in the whole match?

THE REFEREE.

What's up with referees nowadays? What suddenly they're refereeing the match with Arsenal and they decided to be all shit ass stupid and biased. Gosh.

THAT was not a yellow card for RVP.

He did not hear the offside whistle, and so tried to score.

An honest mistake.

And you thought he was trying to kick the ball away??!!!

WHAT KIND OF STUPID PERSON IS THE REFEREE?

Arsenal was losing at that moment, why would he waste time and kick the ball away?

He already had a yellow card on him, WHY would he kick the ball away on purpose?

GOSH REFEREES.

Clearly some people in football are stupid. Especially the referees and linesmen.

Yep, I 'm still not over the Sunderland match.

So we're down to 10 men.

And the whole game changed.

Arsenal lost their composure a bit.

One person really does make a difference in a game, especially if it's the best striker we've got.

Barca got the ball A LOT.

I was just hoping Arsenal could defend really really well, cos we were winning that time.

But ya, a goal and a penalty for them.

What luck.

And at the end, Bendtner did something very stupid that cost the match too.

Our first goal attempt happened in the 90+2 minutes, yep.

It was Bendtner's first touch too I think.

And as usual..he was right in front of the goal post, could have just give it a try and shoot.

BUT he went to dribble some more and some more until defender and goalkeeper were RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, and then he tried to shoot.

See? An example of stupidity...

So Barca won - 4-3 on aggregate

So wasted, cos we only needed one more goal.

Retarded people in the Library.

2011-03-05T01:39:00.000-08:00

So yesterday marks the end of my exams which basically means...

YEAR 1 IS OVER.

I still feel like a freshmen though.

Anyways, Marcia and I went to Causeway and got ourself a little Gelare treat.

Feeling bloated, we hung around in the Woodlands Library.

After choosing our books, we sat down since it was raining.

We were at Level 4, the noisy room where all the pri and sec school children usually are.

And ya, we were the only poly students there. Like, we were the only ones wearing home clothes in that room.

So in front of us were these 2 Admiralty Pri school kids.

We thought they were chinese and didn't really paid much attention to them at first.

BUT.

Suddenly this Fuchun sec girl come up to them and asked them straight int he face," Eh, you P what?'

Immediately our heads lifted up and watch the guys answered her. Then when she left, the guys were like"What just happened? Who was that girl?"

Then I realised that they were Malay.

At that time, Marcia and I were just laughing and we also confused.

Like yeah, we made some eye contact with them cos they were like Huh? and we were like Huh?

So then we started reading.

Then I heard one of them, the cute one, said " Ni Jonas Brothers kan? Sedap ah, from Camp Rock tu kan?"

AND OF COURSE MY HEADS IMMEDIATELY SHOT UP AGAIN.

I swear I wasn't listening in their conversation.

I just heard JONAS BROTHERS and I was on red alert or smth.

I was smiling to myself like an idiot, and I actually stared at the boy.

I don't know if my smile was still there but ya, definitely got some weird eye-contact going on there.

Then I laughed about it with Marcia. Of course, then everytime they talk I happen to hear since they were just in front of us. And they were talking in Malay so Marcia can't understand but I wanted to laugh at everything they were talking about.

So the Fuchun sec girl came up to them again and started talking to them again.

Same reaction, same eye-contact.

Then I told Marcia I find one of them cute.

But seriously, he is.

And cmon, they like Jonas Brothers..i mean..cmon!

Ok, ya so Marcia laughed at me for being a paedophile.

We laughed seriously hard, I was trying not to look at them but Marcia kept looking at them too.

I told her not to laugh but she was having the time of her life laughing at me.

Yeah, so the boys were like staring at us weirdly also.

Hmmm.

Yeah, so I found that they were checking out some Woodgrove sec girls sitting in front of them at this corner. They were so obvious.

Ok to me, cos I know all these ways to check out cute guys without trying to be obvious.

So they seriously like acting as if they were doing stuff together but actually just wanted to peek beside the bookshelves so they can check out the girls.

So I don't want to talk out loud about that, and I need to tell Marcia about it so I was typing on my iPod. And we were like laughing real bad.

So I think they kinda know that we know, or maybe they realised we were like talking about them, cause they kept looking at us too.

Then when the Woodgrove girls left, their eyes were seriously just following the girls.

It was so funny.

Ya, and then they changed seats. They took the spot where the Woodgrove girls sat.

And then, cannot talk about them anymore.

And then Marcia thought that these group of boys outside the building at the bus stop was pointing at her. Cos the boys kept looking somewhat at our direction. So I told her that there was no possibility they could see us. Maybe they're pointing to birds or something.

And the weirdest thing happened.

LITERALLY, two birds came flying and perched themselves in front of us. It was so cool.

And we spent a few minutes observing the two birds.

Then the two boys left. Marcia suggested I go stalk them.

Heh, I wish I could.

Seriously the boy quite cute leh.

Too bad he's freaking 12.

JONAS BROTHERS.

2011-03-02T09:40:00.001-08:00

SO much for wanting to NOT like the Jonas Brothers.

These past few weeks, I have been listening to JB again.

I've placed back all their songs into my iTunes.

I've followed several JB fansites on Tumblr, making it hard to resist reblogging and liking the posts.

Just so you know, I have been resisting to reblog any Jonas-related posts for a few months now since I've made one.

I've been watching a lot of their live concert videos, live performances on Youtube.

And you know what?

I miss Riverside.

Not exactly the school.

But the people.

Because when I think about it, the Jonas Brothers have been the topic I've been most related to in school back then.

People joked about it, people made fun of it, people bonded with it.

I've turned haters into fans..even if it's only for a while.

And when I started watching their videos again, I can't help think about the great people who I have been lucky to meet. Some of whom I'm still talking to, some of whom have somehow disappeared.

And of course I miss my three awesome boys.

4 years and counting..and I can still smile whenever I see their faces.

I love it when the TTs on twitter is about Jonas.

It doesn't matter that now Justin Bieber is making his way through the business.

Music's not about popularity.

Music is about music.

How it can bring millions of people together for that one common thing in their life.

I mean, of course, now I've moved on to much better taste in music..

For example, Mumford & Sons, Noah & The Whale, Laura Marling, You Me At Six..

I've moved on to British musicians now...and I think English folk music will be my current genre for now.

But, Jonas Brothers will still be my in my heart.

And they WILL be the first concert I would go to, no matter how long that will take.

I don't think it'll be anytime soon but just keeping my hopes up for a few years.

Oooookkkkkk.

That's my Jonas Brothers' Appreciation post.

My next one will be in a few months time..HAHAHAHA.

So tomorrow's my FFA paper, and on Friday, my very last paper, MIEC.

Just want to get it over and done with.

I didn't put my whole heart into studying.

I think I did better for common tests.

Year 1 will officially end in one more day.

I don't feel like a Year 2 student yet. Probably never will.

I just want my 6-weeks holiday.

Saddest Arsenal Game EVER.

2011-02-27T10:21:00.000-08:00

This feeling is the worst.

It's worse than when Arsenal drew a 4-4 against i forgot who.

I've been crying for I don't know how long.

And I can't sleep because I just feel so so so awful.

6 years without a trophy.

And finally we got a chance to be in the final of Carling Cup.

Against Birmingham.

They played a good game, yes they really did.

Ben Foster was good.

We attacked them so many times but he just managed to save it all.

The winning goal was just horrible.

It was supposed to be a save. But he didn't save it because Koschielny tried to kick it away but missed the ball. And they took advantage of that.

It was the 88th minute.

I shouted so damn loud.

And immediately tears start flowing out.

I HAVE NEVER CRIED BECAUSE OF A SOCCER GAME BEFORE.

But this was just a horrible way to lose.

And at the end when Wilshere was crying..

Oh it breaks my heart. He's 19. He's still a baby.

And Koschielny.

Yeah sure, it might have been is fault.

But I'm not gonna blame and curse him or what.

He was just trying to defend the ball.

He let slip, and fuck-up shit happens.

Usually I'll be super angry if he does this shit in a usual game.

But when the camera just pointed at him after the match, you could see he knew what he had done. You could see how sad he was, how a million things was going through his mind about the winning goal being his fault. That's a feeling he will have to have throughout his life, I bet.

Because he just cost Arsenal their first trophy in 6 years.

But you know, it was not entirely his fault.

Arsenal did a great job. They played splendidly.

Until RVP and Arshavin was substituted, I was happy with the team even though Cesc couldn't play.

That was the moment I knew things could go downhill.

Bendtner and Chamakh have never done anything exceptionally good for Arsenal.

But I still hold on hope that they might help in assisting or scoring.

BUT SERIOUSLY.

I have never felt so proud of Arsenal.

That's all I can say.

Now let me drown in my tears tonight.

Exams.

2011-02-26T01:32:00.000-08:00

First two papers are done.

How do I feel?

Awful.

I've never felt so awful about my papers ever.

I am certain I will get either a C or a D.

And I really wanted a B.

My mind just went blank. And i wrote crap for half the paper.

Hopefully, the markers can understand what the hell I was writing.

And I didn't see Mat Tuck for the whole week. And not expecting to see him in the coming week.

Oh, since he's in Year 3 next sem, that means he probably have some internship thing for 6 months. BOO!

I just cleaned my room, so as usual after I cleaned my room, I 'm slacking on the floor right now.

I don't know what to do now.

I'm tired of studying. I need a break.

Heh.

Not anticipating.

2011-02-20T07:14:00.001-08:00

Can I just say I'm not at all excited for this Tuesday?

Maybe I'm scared.

Recently I've lost focus and I can't think straight whenever I'm facing someone.

Everything's blank and all I will do is just stand there and let others hit me.

Fear of getting hit again, I'm not exactly the strongest girl on the earth.

In fact, I bet I'm one of the weakest person.

Get hit once, and I'll be scared.

No pain, no gain?

Heck, that's stupid.

Well, last week have been one my most happiest moments in my life.

Let's just hope I can say that for this week.

Pray hard.

Happy Wednesday.

2011-02-17T05:20:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday, 16/02/2011.

This post is going to be one of those post I will read in a few years' time and just smile at the awesome day I had when I was 17 and just found a new crush to look out for.

Well, it's the last week of school. And it's gonna be my last chance to see him this semester.

He's year 2, that means I've only got one more year to "ogle"at him.

Do not care what others say, he's cute in my eyes. Not handsome.

But you know, it's a freaking polytechnic. It's hard to find someone attractive that you will meet every few often. So when you find someone that you kinda like, you take it.

It gives you a reason to look forward to the upcoming weeks ahead. And, it might be the only reason why you're gonna be happy the whole day even when things don't turn out the way it should.

So back to yesterday.

Purposely came to school in the morning, even though I had no school.

He took the shuttle bus and I kinda know when he will arrive.

When I reached he wasn't there. But when I queued, he was there. But he was way in front.

Didn't take the same bus as him, and he wasn't at the bus stop.

Here's the thing.

I was upset because: Everytime I'm waiting at the bus stop, he will just walk off.

But everytime he's waiting at the bus stop, I have to walk off.

So it kinda pissed me off for a while.

So studied in the attic.

It was productive. Seriously.

Then, 2 o'clock, Marcia and I decided to have our lunch.

I wanted to pray as well, and was deciding whether I should pray or eat first.

Don't keep in mind that I kinda roughly know that he will walk pass that area around that time of period, so I was kinda having the littlest of hope that he will be there.

So I decided I should pray first.

So off we went to the convention centre.

Was walking and talking with Marcia.

AND THERE HE WAS.

Walking from the other way towards the same place.

I immediately told Marcia, who have not seen him before in person, and she was like trying her best to see his face.

Yes, I was smiling and laughing all the way becuase first, it WAS NOT expected. And second, I was too freaking happy.

I was so so so so close to him, and I was just staring at his face for the split second when we reached the door.

Time really does slows down.

Marcia and I agreed he was looking at us weirdly. She thought it was because I was smiling at him, but why the heck would I smile at him? Or maybe, I was smiling but I just didn't realise it.

Maybe she was the one smiling so weirdly.

Hmm, anyways..I was super happy that day. Conversation on twitter with 'Izzah after was hilarious too. We were both being happy and secretive at the same time, which actually made me smile wider in the attic. Asnira kept staring at me afterwards cos I was smiling cheekily at my computer screen.

So 'Izzah, if you happened to read this, THANK YOU for making me look like a fool.

Oh thank you to the guy too. We decided to call him Mat Tuck. Tuck for short.

See, crushes with unknown people can be good too.

Jealousy.

2011-02-07T05:28:00.001-08:00

There's this girl, I won't say who, who I'm really jealous of.

And I feel bad.

Really bad.

I tried so so so hard not to feel like this everytime I see her.

But somehow, the jealousy just appears in my heart.

I mean, she did nothing wrong.

She's nice, she's cheerful, she's smart, she's beautiful.

She's my friend.

Not a close one, but still my friend.

Everyone likes her.

I think I'm the only one who "hates" her.

No, I don't hate her.

I like her. Really.

I'm just jealous.

You know how the green monster can overcome your feelings.

It will make you insecure, lower your self-esteem.

Syaitaan is winning right now.

And I really don't want that to happen.

I hate it when I let Syaitaan be more powerful than me.

Yes, sometimes she's the reason why I cry myself to sleep.

But, I have no right, no right at all, to hate her.

There is no reason to.

Or maybe, that's why I'm jealous.

There is just no reason to hate her.

And sometimes, I hate them all.

Chinese New Year.

2011-02-06T04:26:00.000-08:00

4 days holiday.

Stuck at home.

Hell yeah.

Not that I'm complaining.

I'm totally a stay-at-home girl.

Comes out every once in a while and will always have a blast doing so.

So, I did my speech for MONDAY, which is TOMORROW.

Not feeling the nervousness YET but I'm sure it will kick in tomorrow while waiting for my turn.

Motivation:

I CAN DO THIS. IT'S ONLY 4 MINUTES IN FRONT OF THOSE PEOPLE.

IMAGINE YOU'RE A ROCKSTAR TRYING TO PROMOTE KNITTING OR SOMETHING.

I'VE DONE THIS THRICE SO I MUST GIVE THIS LAST PRESENTATION ALL I'VE GOT!

LAST KOPEK, THAHIRA, LAST KOPEK!

Ok, I'm gonna listen to Believe in Me by Demi Lovato all the way to school tomorrow.

Which reminds me, I've downloaded a bunch of Action Item songs. I'm checking them out right now and so far, they're great. They're still on their way to being recognised but who cares? I prefer unrecognised bands more. One bad thing about them: I don't really fancy any of them, don't have the looks for me.

Oh, and ITB presentation this Tuesday. I don't have much care for this module really. I kinda feel bad, but seriously, people who know me well enough will know that if I don't like something, I will REFUSE to have any part in it. My brain just will not even try to work towards the goal. But since it's a group project, and I really hate being that type of group member that people always complains about, I'll just go along with it huh.

This is the last of week of school for me.

Busy BUSY week.

CNY make-up lectures and tutorials are gonna be stacking up this week, I think.

Still undetermined.

Oh, I should have probably finish up all my tutorials during these past 4 days.

Heck, I always leave my tutorials up to the last minute.

And then not do it. Man, I'm irresponsible.

K, so next week! GONNA STUDY LIKE HELL.

Gonna be in my room all week. I'm not gonna be in the living room no more, gonna bring everything into my room. Mess it up again, work hard there, slack there. Hopefully not slack.

So again, THIS WEEK: Finish up tutorials.

Next week: MUST start to study.

But really, one week to study for exams is not enough.

Ergh, my time-planning sucks.

Update done.

Attracted to a boy.

2011-01-26T07:05:00.000-08:00

So far, this week was awesome because I got to see a lot of that boy.

Usually i only saw him on Fridays, but due to certain coincidences and circumstances, I've managed to see him quite a number of times this week.

Which I'm not complaining.

Though, if i were to actually look properly, he's not really that cute.

I bet in a few years' time, I'll see the guy and think to myself," Why the hell did I even find him cute?"

That always happen.

Oh, and of course, the beautiful curse that I have: Once i fall for the guy, that guy will soon find a girlfriend within a few months.

But, that hasn't happen so far. I think. I don't really know. Well, I don't know him.

He just merely have some mutual friends with me and I think he's my Silat senior close friend/ classmate..he's always with him. So..cannot tell people from Silat..ssshhhh..

And of course, Hanis wants to know who this guy is.

Nope, I'm not telling ya. You'll laugh for sure.

I told Marcia, but that's cause she doesn't know who he is/ saw the face.

So..erm..not really a huge crush.

Just a boy who I happen to see a lot of times, considering it's Poly and it's so hard to see a guy consistently. Except for CCA. Hmm, MSS boys quite cute also leh.

Ok, shut up.

I'm just blogging now cos I'm trying to procrastinate from doing BSTAT tutorial.

And it's already 11pm.

Bye or I'll die!