A person.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

You know what I need?

A person.

Someone that I can talk to whenever I feel like talking without feeling like I'm disturbing.

Someone that would understand when I just stop talking halfway through a conversation just because I don't feel like it anymore. Cos I often feel like that.

Someone that won't look at me as if I'm such a pathetic stupid fool and understand an ignorant person like me.

Someone that regards me as someone special.

Someone that will pull me in when I push away.

Someone that I can call my own. It doesn't have to a boyfriend. It doesn't even have to be a boy.

But I guess it's hard now. I haven't made a new friend in such a long time because I just can't handle the awkwardness anymore and I get so pissed off with people now and I think I'm becoming dumber and dumber because I can't talk properly anymore. Maybe I've spent too much time on the computer, my brain cells dying.

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NP50

Thursday, May 02, 2013

MY last contribution to NPSilat.

I was reluctant at first to do this because as much as I wanted to try seni and perform before graduating, I was going through a no-confidence-in-myself phase.

The 2 nights we performed were truly exceptional. I wished I would be able to do it again. The first night, D-day, was really overwhelming. From the nervousness to the excitedness to the awesome feeling on stage. It was my first time doing seni. It was my first time I didn't screw up in front of hundreds of people considering my stage fright/people fright.

The team was exceptional too. The feeling I got was like IVP times. Considering that the training schedules were like IVP, it gave off that similar feeling. I adore every single one members of the team. I admit I'm not close with everyone, since I'm not a talker. Most of the 15 members were people I don't usually talk to, not because I don't want to, just because there's really nothing in my brain for me to talk about. But I really enjoyed our interactions, I realy enjoyed listening and laughing to everything.

And that's how I get attached. Man, I get attached too easily sometimes. Post-syndromes are the worst. Nasib baik tak pernah ade relationships. I think I'll probably cry a river if I were ever dumped and be one of those girls I always crotisize abt not getting over their ex. Ha. Okay, no link no link.

Now to move on with my life..I need a job soon, in other news.

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Affected.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

I like today.

Cooped up in my room the whole day, with just my notes and my phone.

Away from people.

I think I needed that. I love my friends, and classmates but being around them now may not be so good for me. My already-low confidence is starting to shake again.

After so long, after battling through all those difficult mind games everyday, after keeping a smile up everyday even though it hurts, after being so positive about everything on twitter.

It just came crashing just like that. With just a simple email like that.

Last week, we got a D for our draft, but I didn't really mind that, even though seeing the letter is quite depressing. But after seeing the C for my first wisp assignment, it affected me for days. Even now.

I know, it's just wisp. Nothing important. Just a 2.0credit module. I think what bothers me is that I really like the module, and I do have my own thoughts for the topic. I did put in effort to it, I just didn't know what the requirements were. And I didn't know how to present it. And to see my name having the lowest score there, being the only C there while the others all have a B and above. That stung me so bad. I do get jealous easily about grades. I am competitive when it comes to grades. I don't show it, but I hate losing.

It still there in the back of my mind. And apart from that, I'm having some other issues with myself as well. I try not to show it to my friends but really, I just want to cry. I want to be alone, but at the same time, I don't want to be alone.

God help me.

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JBinSG !!!

Monday, October 22, 2012

BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!!

DREAM COME TRUE seriously! I can't sleep peacefully after the concert cos I was still so excited.

SO SO SO MANY eye contact with Joe and Nick, oh my godddd..

I'm just assuming and being the delusional me that I am, so I'm gonna say that OH MY GOD, seriously, NICK JONAS looked at me so many times!! gahhhh..

And Joe's smile!! Aahhhh!!! He smiled at me ahhhh..and one part stood out in particular. During Paranoid, in the beginning, I opened my arms wide when singing "I'M FREAKING OUT!" and he was looking at me then he smiled!!!! Hahahahaha I can't take the "sexual but not sexual" frustration anymore!!

And Kevin, oh my god, to see him with his guitar..SO COOL!! His guitar is sooo shiny, I likeee. I was in awe during lovebug, because I love his part there, so for a moment I forgot abput Joe and Nick and just stared at Kevin playing that ukelele or small guitar or whatever it is.

The ONLY frustrating thing about it was that Joe stepped out to the audience, and he was just like 10cm away from me but I couldn't reach out anymore to be able to reach him. And that was the only time he went down:( I was hoping at the emd of it they would all go down and hi5 us or smth like that.

Anyways, it seemed really quick and I know they played less songs than usual, so whadddup with that? We missed out quite a few songs..

Oh I didn't mention where we standing right? The FIRST row, right in the middle, in front of Kevin and so near to JOE, my boyfriend haha:P (there goes the delusional me again)

We got lost at fort canning park, and didn't understand how to get the golden ticket thingy, and literally spammed the Karin girl, who btw, is gorgeous! Made some friends too, so that's awesome:) I had wanted to like "accidentally" bumped into them at their dressing room or smth like that, but Marcia didn't want to walk ard so much in case we can't get in. But we knew where they stayed and where their dressig room was cos it's so obvious. Haiya, should have lingered ard that area, but we didn't know that they were reaching soon. Apparently they were still eating lunch-.-

Okay that's all for now. BEST. NIGHT. EVER.

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Jonas Brothers in Singapore!!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Can't. Hold. This. Excitement. Inside. Any. Longer.

I can't breathe whenever I think about how close I am to finally meet my heroes!

I'm still upset that I didn't win that 987fm contest but I was super rushing it:(

But there's a blessing in disguise cos now I've got an idea for a lil project of mine:)

Tomorrow's the concert! I end school at 5, so since we know there's going to be super a lot of those teen fangirls, we're going to take a taxi straight there. I hope we can get the front seats! And I really want that Vip package 2! Soundcheck is as good as meet&greet okay..

Anyways, gotta thank Marcia for being with me and using her money for me!! Love you very much! :D

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Wetoriya~

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I think..I think that I've been stuck home for too long.

Because now, everytime I spend time with my friends, I'll get irritayed fast by them. It's nothing personal on them. I just got used to being alone, to the point that when I have to mix with people, I actually hate it. And I prefer to be alone.

And I'm a really judgemental person. So it gets hard to entertain people when I think they're irritating.

I'm writing this post partly because I've been worried abt the Bangkok trip. Because I'm not really close with all of them. My closest friend in poly is Marcia but she's not coming. Sure, I can mix with them fine. But sometimes, you really just need that one person who you trust and can have fun with, without worrying much because you know you two are the same. Like my F4 peeps, my Sexy People, my NPSilat. But somehow, I dunno why, but it seems like my poly friends are a totally different group.

Or maybe it's just cause I haven't been hanging out with them much nowadays.

Again, it's really not them. It's me. I have a problem.

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Update on life: IVP

Friday, August 10, 2012

So many things have happened to me so far!

I feel so blessed and lucky to have gained so much, many praises to Allah! I wished I had blogged it out when the event really happened though.

Kinda regret not blogging much. I really miss blogging. People might call it lame but I think blogging's way better than twitter or facebook. Cos I get to talk about whatever I want. Twitter's too indirect and facebook's way to public.

Anyways, update on life:

- Let's start with my biggest achievement so far. That's right, IVP baby:)

Only God knows how much I feel about this. Happy to have received a bronze, duhh. It was my first time getting on a podium so that was super exciting. One of my childhood dreams came true that day. But I was such a noob and didn't really know what to do on it. Though the feeling wasn't as exciting as I thought it'll be because I had wanted my team to be down there too but the ceremony was divided into 2 parts. But anyways it was definitely an IVP to be remembered with NP being the host and all.

Mixed feelings though whether I want to compete again next year. This was purely luck and I know it'll be even tougher next year. And that anxiety attack I had on that Sunday was just too much to handle. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through it again.

Anyways, I'm truly grateful for what I've avhieved. Sure, I had my own goal way before the competition which I had never told anyone except my lil bro. My goal was a Silver. I even made a deal with with God to puasa for three days if He wouldd grant me my wish. But I guess He knows better. I needed to stay humble and complacent and maybe Silver might be too much for me. So I'm hoping this means good news if I were to compete next year.

And I just like to point out that I'm proud of myself because I didn't had time to train a lot because of internship. True that my physical sucks, as shown during my first match. But I trained hard on my techniques I think. Even though most of the time I suck during trainings. My visualisation sucks man.

And with internship being so far at Expo,it was a challenge but as I've said before I wouldn't have done it without NPSilat. Wouldn't sacrificed my time, money and energy on trainings if it weren't for the awesome team. My loyalty stays intact even during tough times okay.

True how I hate physical so sometimes I purposely take my time to avoid it ssshh. But now I know my weaknesses through the matches.

1) I am truly afraid to make the first move

2) I suck at resistance

3) Which brings me back to no. 1

I was disappointed at first during my semis though I know no one really expected much. There were words of eencouragemebt but I know that they don't really believe it. So I was out to prove them wrong. But I don't know..I wasn't mentally prepared that day, got scared with her, couldn't think straight and fell.

But I can say this. I won the first match for NP. And the got through to the semis first. So I'll have that to hold onto for now. It's nothing special, nothing much but it'll do for now:)

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