My Miscarriage Story - 2 months after

Tuesday, June 02, 2020

This topic on this post probably may receive a lot of opinions. But this is my opinion. I try to stay objective, thinking about the buts, and what others are feeling. But this is my opinion.

We've been trying since we got married.

We did not admit it, because we were tired of having false hope. Of course we want a baby. We went in thinking,'If we get one, we get one'. Because I know how hard it is to get one. I've got so many people around me that takes years to get one. It's not like 'I want it, I get it'.

So after like 6 months, we finally had good news. We were happy. So happy. But it was also just when the pandemic was announced. We had planned for a second honeymoon. We were scared. I had no one to talk to. We were living on our own. I don't have family members to speak to, to guide me on how to be pregnant. I was only close to A's family. So I told him, I need people to talk to about this. So we told a few people.

And I know this is really pantang. I know my colleague was against me making it so obvious. But I don't believe in pantang. For me, it really is, just a way to save yourself if anything did happen. You don't have to explain much. But I was like, I'm going to announce it to people that I think should know first. And if anything happens, I'm going to tell everyone too.

Of course at that time, I was not so attached to the baby yet. We know, we weren't really ready for it. We had sex thinking this is fun, to fulfill our sexual desires and whatnots. We didn't go in thinking we're gonna end up with a baby.

But we did.

It was a scare at first. But we heard the first heartbeat. And we thought, we're safe. We're going to be parents. We were excited. Our next appointment is a month later, not the next week like it's always been.

So the heartache we got when we went for our next official appointment was.. really unexplainable. Like, I really pray to God that no one experience this. It was supposed to be in Week 10. But it had stopped at Week 9.

And I guess, as the one carrying the baby, what hurts me was that, at Week 9, I felt something was wrong. I remember going to bed feeling very uneasy. I remembered at Week 9 going to bed thinking, 'No this is not a miscarriage'. I remember trying to convince myself that it's just another pregnancy symptom. And now I feel so guilty. And I keep thinking. Was it my fault? They say that what's in your mind can come true. Did I cause that?

I spent the next two weeks after the diagnosis crying and crying, being triggered and crying again. Both my mom and mom-in-law did not experience miscarriages and we could tell they both did not know how to console me. They see me crying so suddenly and they walked away. My sister told me of her experiences, but I guess, because she's experienced it twice and she's no longer with her husband anymore, maybe now it just seems numb to her. I guess she too, does not know how to deal with it.

Because everyone feels differently. I get that. Someone who has experienced miscarriages will feel different things. There's no proper way to console it. It's something that has not appeared in the world yet, a connection that only the mother and the baby has.

I only had 9 weeks with mine. It doesn't even have a gender yet. It doesn't even have a soul yet. But I still feel like we have a connection. 9 weeks is a long time. Considering the pain and the change in my body, it's really long. My husband can go about his way, but I wasn't even able to stand for so long without wanting to puke. I've taken care of myself so much for the baby.

When the miscarriage happened, I think I was really numb at that point. Only the night before, I was crying while listening to sad songs. But when it happened, I couldn't bring myself to cry. I couldn't bring myself to feel anything. And it was weird. I came home, laughing. After I posted about it on IG, people were comforting me left and right. But I was laughing and telling people I was fine.

And for a while, I believed I was fine.

See, for the 2 weeks of waiting for the foetus to pass, I didn't realise that I was actually going into depression. I was crying, I didn't want to move, I didn't want to work. I slept and slept and cry. Then I was numb. So numb. And I laughed. And pretended I'm over it, pretended that I was fine. But I knew I wasn't. I was just numb. And my husband thinks, Oh my wife's fine now.

A week ago, I was lying on my bed. And I felt it again. That feeling of not wanting to do anything. I didn't even want to eat. I didn't come out from my room. I started sulking, started fighting with my husband over the silliest of things. I had my period and I thought it's PMS. But even after my period, I was feeling these things. When my husband goes out to work, I started crying. I don't wake up until noon, and I can't sleep until 2am. When my husband's back, I pretend again. Because whenever I bring up 'I'm sad', he 'tch' me and starts stressing out. And that stresses me out, to think that I'm worrying him, to think I'm stressing him out. And sometimes I don't know how to talk to him about it anymore. He's past the point where I can talk to him about the miscarriage. He wants to forget about it. But I'm still holding on to it.

And that's why I have resorted to finding this old blog of mine. A place I can write my feelings without being judged. A place I don't feel stressed out about my feelings because no one reads it. No one will invalidate my feelings. And that's very important in my healing process. I'm not a burden to anyone here.

Tomorrow, I'm going back to work after 2 months of lockdown. It's the first time I'm going to be facing people. Facing my colleagues. Some of whom knows what has happened. I don't feel good about it. My workplace has become a place of stress for my emotional needs. Because they're very different people with very different thinking than mine. And the two people that can relate, is in the other team. Work has just been communicating through text messages. So I've been hiding behind my keyboard, making it seem like all is fine. If I'm not, I'll just reply a few minutes later. Or I'm crying while answering my colleagues. I can't do that at work now.

My workplace has two people who have experienced miscarriages. They know how it feels. But again, not everyone feels the same way. They may have gotten over it quickly. Heck, I had gotten it quickly. I was forced to, wasn't I? A week of hospitalisation leave that no one knew about. So I had to pretend like all is fine to people who didn't read my post. After that week, it's like everyone expected me to go back to normal mode as if nothing had happened. My colleague started pestering me on my last day of leave. Like, think. We're in a pandemic. I just had a miscarriage. You can reply to the client that I'm on hospitalisation leave. The world will not end by the few days of delay.

I'm just writing out all that I've been feeling. My husband tells me to take it slow. I don't have to reply so fast, I don't have to finish all my work. But I feel guilty. Because I wasn't doing my work at the start of the lockdown since I wasn't well emotionally. Then I took so many weeks after to recover, I almost missed a month's worth of work. I don't want to self-pity. But now I'm doing exactly that.

I'm confused. And I don't think I can move on until I know what I'm feeling. And how I should be feeling.

Back here after 7 years.. Life Update

Monday, June 01, 2020

Hello.

It's been 7 years since my last post in this blog. Wow.

A LOT has happened in that 7 years. I wished I had blogged it all up. Some parts of it has been posted in Instagram. But reading back my old posts, I feel like, blogging is still the way to go. I can express myself better here without any judgements.

Anyways, we're now in 2020. All of us thought that this year is gonna be the best year yet.

Last year, I got married. Huh, who would have thought the girl from 2012 writing all these cheesy and emo stuff could have gotten married huh. But, yes, I found THE ONE. I was going on and on about not needing a man, not being interested in love. But at one point of time, maybe I felt, hmm.. I want to be wanted? So I tried out Tinder - yes, a dating app - because that's the only way I can meet new people right?

And I found THE ONE right away. Within 5 days of joining, chatted up this guy who I didn't even like the pictures. But he had super-liked me. And I thought let's give this guy a chance. And turns out, we matched really well. Got engaged a few months later, got married on 20 July 2019.

We just got a house now. FINALLY my own house. I was reading up on my old posts about how tiring it was travelling back and forth two countries. Throughout that 7 years, I have rented about 4 to 5 rooms.. if you calculate that at abt $500 per month, I have spent roughly $24,000 JUST on rental. Imagine what I could have done with that money. Sometimes I don't know how I managed to survive. With lending money to my siblings, and giving some to my parents. and saving for trips..

Anyways, my life has been blissful I must say, compared to others. Even though it's really different than a normal Sporean. I would say I turn out just fine. I'm okay with not being as close with my family as others. I love the independency and not having people judge me for my laziness, or untidiness.

I searched for this blog account and passwords because there's something in my mind and heart that's been bugging me over the days. I guess, you can say, it's for my mental health check.

It was really overwhelming the past week.. my husband's been around for the past 3 days so I haven't been thinking of that for some time. And I think I'm a little bit okay now. But I think I still need to write them out somewhere. My full thoughts. No editing, no thinking of what others would think of me. Let's save that for Instagram. The next post is going to be my full thoughts on what had happened in the past 2 months.

Friday, July 26, 2013

A person.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

You know what I need?

A person.

Someone that I can talk to whenever I feel like talking without feeling like I'm disturbing.

Someone that would understand when I just stop talking halfway through a conversation just because I don't feel like it anymore. Cos I often feel like that.

Someone that won't look at me as if I'm such a pathetic stupid fool and understand an ignorant person like me.

Someone that regards me as someone special.

Someone that will pull me in when I push away.

Someone that I can call my own. It doesn't have to a boyfriend. It doesn't even have to be a boy.

But I guess it's hard now. I haven't made a new friend in such a long time because I just can't handle the awkwardness anymore and I get so pissed off with people now and I think I'm becoming dumber and dumber because I can't talk properly anymore. Maybe I've spent too much time on the computer, my brain cells dying.

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NP50

Thursday, May 02, 2013

MY last contribution to NPSilat.

I was reluctant at first to do this because as much as I wanted to try seni and perform before graduating, I was going through a no-confidence-in-myself phase.

The 2 nights we performed were truly exceptional. I wished I would be able to do it again. The first night, D-day, was really overwhelming. From the nervousness to the excitedness to the awesome feeling on stage. It was my first time doing seni. It was my first time I didn't screw up in front of hundreds of people considering my stage fright/people fright.

The team was exceptional too. The feeling I got was like IVP times. Considering that the training schedules were like IVP, it gave off that similar feeling. I adore every single one members of the team. I admit I'm not close with everyone, since I'm not a talker. Most of the 15 members were people I don't usually talk to, not because I don't want to, just because there's really nothing in my brain for me to talk about. But I really enjoyed our interactions, I realy enjoyed listening and laughing to everything.

And that's how I get attached. Man, I get attached too easily sometimes. Post-syndromes are the worst. Nasib baik tak pernah ade relationships. I think I'll probably cry a river if I were ever dumped and be one of those girls I always crotisize abt not getting over their ex. Ha. Okay, no link no link.

Now to move on with my life..I need a job soon, in other news.

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CTs

Saturday, January 05, 2013

It's been a while since I write about silly stuff like this.

But some good news!

I scored As for all my common tests!! Yay!
I think this is the best results so far?

That means I'm on track..so I better not be complacent and work harder for EOY.
Gotta get that 3.9 current GPA to pull up my cumulative.
My aim is to graduate with a 3.1 or 3.2

I still don't know how GPA is calculated, so I'm just hoping for the best.
The only thing that can pull me down right now is the current B in BCOMM, which may be hard to get an A, unless of course my boardroom presentation went well. WISP and IS better not give me a low grade. If my gpa drops because of that 2.0 credit modules, I'll hate NP for life.

Lol.

Bye 2012, Hello 2013:)

Monday, December 31, 2012

2012 was a great year for me. It was better than 2011. It was my year. Thank you God.

Let's update this blog with some of my highlights, based on my daily planner '12.

Started off with helping out with ACC Open House, and having lots of fun there. I think I was still having a crush on Din back then. Followed by me conquering my fear with impromptu speeches (BCOMM2 Table Topics) followed by the Final Exams, which marked the end of Year 2. In a few weeks' time, I would be a Year 3 student doing internship!

Some fun before Internship begins! Went to USS for the first time with le homies on LEAP DAY! Had the best time! Tried the rollercoasters for the first time. Hate it the first time, but was able to go for 4 rounds. It gets better the more you go for it I guess:P Then JB SHOPPING with ze girls!

I was lucky and got into Citibank, with a great pay of $950, which sadly I didn't manage it well. Having to work at Tampines was the low point of the internship, and it literally killed me to travel so far everyday. But, I also found out that living in Msia was a good conversation-starter, and because most of my colleagues were Malaysians, it helped a lot, especially for a quiet/awkward girl like me. Seeing how I was the youngest and the only Muslim there, there were some challenging times but I pulled through. There were times when I wanted to give up because my self-esteem dropped tragically because I couldn't keep up with everything. But everyone was good with me, and I'm very thankful for that. Though I can't say that I would want to go back to that life again.

Results were released and I got straight Bs! That was the best news ever! And STA FRIENDLY! I lost, and I was disappointed. But because of that I was motivated to do well.

I was also sick a lot of times, having a bad case of sore eyes for a few weeks and having the flu for a month or so. Super bad. I think it was because of lack of sleep, and being cooped up in an air-conditioned office for so long. Germs~

2012 was also the year I fully made up with Marcia. For a period of time, we met almost every week during internship to EAT and WATCH MOVIES. That was a good time, to be able to share our intership experiences, for us to let out our complaints to each other:)

Not forgetting, I had the BEST with NPSilat! From surviving ICT, to all the other camps to finally IVP! IVP was seriously the highlight of the year! From the sleepovers to the competition to the cheering itself. Getting a BRONZE, my first ever achievement in anything. It was one hell of a rollercoaster ride, having to prioritise with internship, training, and other stuffs but it was worth every hardship. I remember telling the girls that night under the stars about how I am trying my best to achieve something to prove to my family that I am capable of this. And I did! So I'm glad to bring that piece of good news, and I'm sure that my parents were proud of me:) Also, getting the Best Pesilat of the year was a bonus. Honestly, sometimes, my motivation to do well was because I wanted the Most Improved Pesilat award LOL. Anyways, graduated from NPSilat with a bomb. I'm sorry but I can't dedicate my time to it as much as I could. School is harder than internship.

BANGKOK TRIP with ze girls was the next highlight! First time travelling without any adults' supervision. I can't believe the girls put me in charge of the travelling and stuff. But I guess I did learn some stuff while I was there, it wasn't only fun fun fun:) Realised once again why I stopped trying to be a leader hahaha.
HOLIDAY WITH FAMILY after a long time! Minus Sadiq:( It was a great getaway, a much needed time off with the family because we're now constantly arguing over things. We had some bumps along the way, because we're just not in sync with each other I guess. But the good memories overpower the bad ones!

Also, the exhibitions I went to! TITANIC EXHIBITION and HARRY POTTER EXHIBITION! Once in a lifetime experience, super super cool! LOVE IT! I preferred the Titanic one maybe? Maybe because I learned more things there, since I know everything about Harry Potter already hahaha.

Next, jeng jeng jeng...Music start!

First and foremost, I fell in love with Bon Iver. Best time to listen to them is when it rains or when I'm feeling stressed lol. But his voice. The best (Y).

JONAS BROTHERS LIVE IN SG!!! Must be my happiest moment ever! Can't count how many times I forgot to breathe because of this. When the news was out, when tickets were out, when Marcia got the tickets, when we attempted to win that contest and failed miserably, on D-Day itself...oh my god oh my god. The number of times Joe and Nick looked at me oh my god oh my god. I finally fulfilled that promise I made to myself a long long time ago. Haiz, Jonas Brothers will always be my babies:)

Speaking of which, I finally got into KPOP! My current addiction! I got addicted to KDRAMAS again after a 3-year hiatus, and now I'm addicted, like how someone is addicted to glue or drugs. Rewatched You're Beautiful again and again, and finally decided to check out Yonghwa in Running Man. From there..erm yeah, you guessed it. I was addicted to Running Man, which btw is a very good way to promote idols. I was attracted to lots of idols and actors because of that show. And I finally found CNBLUE! I changed my bias to Lee Jonghyun of course, because of his hair back then. And his GUITAR SKILLS OMO. Jongasm~
From there, I found Big Bang through the Bangkok trip, and now I'm currently addicted to TVXQ! Changmin is my bias. NO, wait. I can't choose. It was Yunho, then Changmin, now both. Oh and Jaejoong! But he's in JYJ and I haven't checked that out yet. But I love the old DBSK too. Always keep the faith~But I really love how Changmin picked Jonghyun to join his Kyuline! Aah, my feels~ Changmin is a CNBLUE fanboy! Love it when all my bias-es come together. Oh, then I started watching Strong Heart, and got attracted to Super Junior. I can't help it.

I'm still doubtful about the rookies though. Not feeling them at all. TVXQ are the ultimate kings so I respect and love that. I love SuJu as a group, not sure of their songs yet but their personalities on variety shows are daebak. CNBLUE is my ultimate bias. I love bands, I love guys who plays instruments and compose their own songs, so I still think they're the coolest.

2012 was CNBLUE's year, TVXQ's also with Catch Me and Humanoids. I gotta give them props for making me love watching KPOP groups dance. Maybe because there's only HoMin now, so a duo dancing doesn't look that bad? K nvm, they're still the Kings.

Ok, I'm becoming such a loser now. Oh god. I can't get enough of them. I'm becoming those people I used to hate. Spamming twitter with my korean stuff oh my god.

Anyways, that marks my 2012. Best year yet.
2013, I'll be graduating. Entering University...working. A life I'm not prepared for. Can I not grow up? Can I stay in 2012? I really love 2012.
CNBLUE COMEBACK everyone, Jan 14th.
YongHwa and Jonghyun with Simon D also on Running Man on Jan 6th.
Park Shin Hye, my ultimate girl crush, has her new series on Jan 7th.
I'm looking forward to January.
Feb 21, is my last day of school. That'll be an emotional day I guess.

Good luck to me, to you, to us then! Happy 2013!